


How we Swallow the Sun

by voices_in_my_head



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: BUT now deals with the consequences, Lokis does what he wants, No Incest, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), compliant with all films, ignores post-credit scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 18:11:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13195743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voices_in_my_head/pseuds/voices_in_my_head
Summary: "“I was hoping I wouldn’t see you back so soon,” Strange said just as Loki had crossed the threshold. He was standing in the middle of the entrance and Loki could feel power in him, but it was different from that which he was used to. More… raw, perhaps.“I do live to disappoint,” Loki said with a smile."Or: After deciding to stay on Earth, Loki is forced to come to terms with his actions while trying to deal with the people in his life, old and new.





	How we Swallow the Sun

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Veto_power_over_clocks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Veto_power_over_clocks/gifts).



> So here's half my nano this year. All my Loki feels from 2012 were brought back with Ragnarok and so this had to be written.
> 
> For Ceci, because without her this wouldn't be over 3k. Thank you for all the brainstorming, for reading all my rants and helping me through all the times where I just went "what am I doing!!!!" Also, I don't think I've gifted you a fic since our anime days and that's just wrong.

Loki was in the main quarters looking down as the ship approached Midgard. He saw it going from a very small dot in the distance to a bigger and rounder place until he was so close he couldn’t see where it began and ended.

“You will stay inside while I go down to speak to the leaders of Earth,” Thor said, entering his room without announcing himself. How kingly of him.

Loki didn’t turn from where he was looking down. He did smile slightly though, “afraid they’ll… what’s the expression? Shoot first, ask questions later?”

He didn’t need to turn around to feel the look Thor was sending him: reproachful. Loki was quite used to it. “Yes, I’m guessing the people of Earth haven’t forgotten what happened the last time you were here.”

Loki shrugged, while turning around, finally coming face to face with Thor. “Honestly, you try to take over one world one time.”

Thor did not smile at his jest. Truthfully, Loki wasn’t expecting him to. Thor had become quite severe of late. Loki would blame the crown if he hadn’t seen him turning this way for the last few years. Even since he fell from the Bifrost, in fact.

 _Fell? Is that what we’re calling it these days?_ A voice inside Loki’s head asked but he ignored it, making a circular motion with his neck, as if it hurt.

“I will present them your case but I can’t promise they’ll accept your presence. Not without some type of penance, anyhow.”

“You expect me to spend the next few decades rotting in a human prison?” Loki asked, raising an eyebrow.

Thor shook his head, “I know none of their prisons can contain you. And I don’t have the skills to create one.”

Loki wondered if that meant that if he did have the skills, he would create one. He chose not to ask.

“Perhaps...” Loki started and Thor stared at him intently. “A peace offering might help calm the waters, as they say.”

“What type of gift are we talking? We barely have any gold.”

Loki turned to stare out of the window. They have crossed Midgard’s atmosphere but not enough that their technology will detect the ship. Not with Loki’s cloaking over it, anyhow.

He should have kept silent. Yet, he knew what a mistake that would be. The Tesseract is not in this world or any other, but in a pocket of his creation, everywhere and nowhere at once… For everyone else, of course. Loki can feel its pumping, almost like a heart. It’s calling to him. No, not just to him. To everyone who can hear it. It won’t be long before someone else comes looking… or Loki loses himself in it.

“The Tesseract,” he murmured.

“I had wondered what you had taken from the vault before raising Surtur,” Thor said, not even sounding surprised. Loki kind of missed when he was trusted blindly.

“Nothing that should worry you,” Loki said to Thor, smiling slightly.

Thor just continued to stare at him, the message “that’s exactly what worries me” passing between them without words. Loki couldn’t exactly blame him.

“So, you’d give the people of Earth the Tesseract without asking for anything in retribution?”

“Well, if they decided on not trying to kill me, that would be quite good. Escaping death attempts just gets boring after a while. Especially from Midgardians,” Loki said, not hiding his contempt in the last word. The feelings of… restlessness disappear the more he keeps talking, the more he convinces himself of this idea of giving the Tesseract away.

Thor shook his head next to him, “I think we both know there’s more to them than meets the eye.”

Loki made a disgusted sound. The Hulk didn’t count as human, anyway.

They were silent after that. Thor turned to look down at Earth. The ship had slowed down. Soon Heimdall would call for them and Loki would withdraw the cloaking spell. And then the real fun will begin.

“Give me the Tesseract, then,” Thor said and Loki turned to him, noticing the iron in his voice.

Loki wondered what put it there. If it was his will at trying his best for the people of Earth to not come after Loki with pitchforks or not wanting his people to be turned away. Probably the second.

Loki put his hands in front of his body, above his waist and with his palms turned up. With some murmured words, the Tesseract appeared. The pulsing was noticeable; Loki was momentarily struck immobile by it.

The power it had… oh, how it called to him. Loki could destroy everyone in this ship with it. He could enslave everyone on Earth with it.

 _You already tried that, remember? It didn’t end that well for you. Thor might not be able to create a cage for you, but he can find a way to bind you._ Loki blinked at the voice and was brought back to the present.

Thor was looking at him, with a hand extended just below the Tesseract. Loki recognized the expression in his face.

“You can feel it now,” Loki said, not in a question.

“Yes, I…,” Thor raised his eyes up to Loki, who could see in that instant why they called him the God of Thunder. “I couldn’t before. But now… It’s like it’s alive.”

Loki nodded. No point in denying the obvious.

Thor frowned, not moving his hand. “It’s like… It wants to command me.”

Loki clenched his jaw at that. He knew what Thor was trying to say and he refused to entertain the thought. His actions on Earth several years before were his and his alone. He wanted Earth. Thanos had simply given him a push.

 _I will make you long for something as sweet as pain._ The memory came unbidden to his mind and Loki’s hands squeeze the Tesseract. Thanos had simply had to make sure Loki’s heart was true to the cause. That he wouldn’t betray him.

 _But you have. And he will come for you._ Loki almost dropped the Tesseract but realized in time what was happening to make sure it didn’t fall.

“Here, it’s yours,” he said, pushing the Tesseract at Thor. If he felt relief and the thought that he would finally be free of it… No one needed to know.

Thor took it with a sympathetic look in Loki’s direction, who ignored it.

 “We should go,” Loki said and starts walking towards the door.

“Loki,” Thor called and Loki was tempted to ignore him but reluctantly turned back. He didn’t even know why.

“If they refuse you entry to their world… where will you go?”

“Don’t you mean, to whom will I go?” Loki asked and it’s with some difficulty that he stopped himself from clenching his fists.

“Loki-“ Thor started but this time Loki turned around and didn’t stop walking.

If the Midgardians didn’t let him in, then Loki would disguise himself and stay. Nothing they could do to stop him. Or he might leave. There were, after all, countless worlds out there. Worlds to visit, worlds to rule. Loki was still deciding on what exactly he wanted to do. Turned out ruling an entire world was actually kind of a bore, as he learnt in the short space he acted as Odin.

The most fun he had was truly acting like Loki had been a hero and erecting that statue of himself. What a shame that was now destroyed. Oh well, he’d build another one. A bigger one.

“Loki,” Heimdall said as he saw him approach and Loki nodded. He still hadn’t quite figured how much Heimdall actually saw now that he was away from the Bifrost. Either way, probably more than Loki was comfortable with.

“It’s time,” Thor said as he approached them and Loki nodded. He raised his right hand and moved it slowly from left to right, murmuring some words.

“It is done,” he said and just in time alarms were raised. Several people on Earth were sending them messages, trying to find out who they were and what their intentions were. Actually, most messages could probably be considered threats. Midgardians, honestly.

“I am Thor, king of Asgard,” Thor said into the device that allowed him to reply to everyone. “I come in peace and I require a meeting with the people of Earth.”

Quite diplomatic of him, Loki thought. Loki would have demanded a meeting instead. Actually no, he would have just told the people of Earth that the Asgardians would now be living in their world and really, they should feel thankful for their presence.

Uhm, perhaps there was a reason no one had wanted Loki as a king and why he had failed so spectacularly at it.

He tuned back in to the conversation as Thor approached him.

“I’m going down. I’ll be back soon, I hope,” Thor said and left them without another word.

“The crown makes you seem more royal,” Loki called out to him but Thor continued as if he hadn’t heard. Well, how was one to be taken seriously if they didn’t look the part?

Loki didn’t stay much longer in Heimdall’s presence. By Odin’s beard what if the guardian took it upon himself to start a conversation? Perhaps not that; Heimdall wasn’t known for his conversations skill. But staying in silence for the next few hours with those eyes set on him seemed even a worse option.

Loki turned and went back to his quarters. And then he turned invisible and tele-transported to Earth, because of course he did.

However, he declined on going to Thor’s meeting with the leaders’ of this world. They would either “allow” Loki to stay or wouldn’t. It didn’t bother him that much. They were a tiny, tiny world in the middle of millions.

No, Loki wasn’t interested in what the people of Earth thought of him. He had other business to attend.

Loki found the Strange man (and oh, what a fun name it was) in the same building he’d been last thrown out of so unceremoniously.

Loki turned himself visible and dressed in a suit the Midgardians seemed to favor and which, he must admit, he looked quite fine in, before entering. Instead of it being all in black this time, however, he donned a suit in dark purple with a white shirt. (He didn’t look like a witch, thank you very much.)

“I was hoping I wouldn’t see you back so soon,” Strange said just as Loki had crossed the threshold. He was standing in the middle of the entrance and Loki could feel power in him, but it was different from that which he was used to. More… raw, perhaps.

“I do live to disappoint,” Loki said with a smile.

“Indeed,” Strange replied in a bored tone and Loki fought to keep the smile on his face. This man was just that: a mortal. Whatever magic he might possess, it was nothing in comparison to Loki’s. Loki, who had fought for centuries on Asgard to be taken seriously because he didn’t fight with a traditional weapon. Loki, who had long ago surpassed his teachers’ skills. Loki, who had imprisoned the All Father.

Loki started walking slightly left, slowly approaching Strange while leaving some space in between. It was one of his favorite moves; instead of taking all the fun of it like Thor did with his rapid approach, Loki liked to slowly get close. Like a snake. Show his opponents that he was coming and running wasn’t really an option.

Strange, however, didn’t move from his place. He didn’t seem intimidated in the least. If anything, he looked amused. Like he an adult entertaining a child’s fantasy.

Oh, how Loki longed to dagger him in the heart. Loki smiled with his teeth. Shouldn’t be a hard message for Strange to decipher, that one.

“How exactly did you come by your powers? In all my years travelling Midgard, I have never seen a mortal so… capable.”

“I think you just weren’t paying attention. I’m not surprised,” Strange said and Loki wondered exactly how upset Thor would be if he came back to find the walls of this mausoleum painted with Strange’s blood.

“I am a god. You… You have learnt some tricks. Do you really think you can… what was the word? Handle me?” Loki raised an eyebrow.

“You really think highly of yourself, don’t you?”

“As I said, god.”

“Are you, truly? I’ve been researching you, Thor, Asgard… You’re not one of them, are you?”

“What makes you say so?” Loki asked, keeping all emotion from his voice. Strange sent him a look that said that he knew he was getting to him but Loki couldn’t help but want to know exactly what information he had and where he got it.

“You first showed up on Earth eight years ago, Loki. You didn’t think we wouldn’t have found out as much about you as possible, did you? I believe you are what they call… Frost giants?”

Loki blinked for a second and then laughed, “oh, you are more entertaining than I first thought.”

Strange still looked bored but Loki just showed him his teeth again. If Strange was hoping to make him lose control, he had another thing coming.

“And tell me, in your research, did you find out exactly what a Frost giant is?”

Loki approached Strange, finally just a few feet away. Strange still refused to budge. Loki stopped just two feet from him and moved his hand up. This time Strange moved just slightly, like he’d had to stop himself from moving back. Loki bit back a smug smile.

He let the enchantment fall and watched dispassionately as his skin went from white to blue. His nails turned black and markings started appearing. Loki could feel his eyes changing. Not the color of them, no, but in this form, he saw differently. Less colors, but more details.

He angled his upper body closer to Strange. Loki blinked and then he smiled, knowing his teeth were more pointed in this form than otherwise.

“If you think I’m less dangerous than an Asgardian… you’re wrong.”

“Oh, I don’t think you’re not dangerous. I just think you believe you’re more powerful than you actually are,” Strange sounded like he had before but Loki could see his curious and partly analytical eyes roam his body.

“Are you sure you’re not speaking of yourself?” Loki asked Strange, moving his right hand against his chest. He called the ice onto himself, feeling the temperature lower and let some of the frost leave his fingertips. “You’re mortal. You don’t stand a chance against me.”

Strange’s jaw locked. “You’re an egomaniac brat with daddy issues,” he said and took a step back, while moving his hands and creating several gold circles, which he pushed onto Loki, who dissolved them as they approached.

“You caught me unprepared last time. It won’t happen again,” Loki promised, feeling the blood lust rising within him.

Strange took another step back and then the fight was on. His magic was slightly different from Loki’s, he could tell, but not as much as expected, now that he was close enough to feel it.

Strange was powerful, he wouldn’t say otherwise. But he was not Loki.

Loki started throwing daggers at him. Not meant to kill, just… to maim. Strange made some of them disappear as they got too close to him, while others he changed their direction as they approached him, sending them back to Loki, who laughed and made them disappear.

They went back and forth for a long time. Loki could see Strange starting to sweat, his spells getting more erratic for which Loki felt proud of. Unfortunately, he too was getting tired. Not in a way that would truly affect him, but more than he had expected from this encounter.

“You’re better than I expected,” Loki told him, feeling happier than he had in a long time. He didn’t fully realize why until Strange sent a spell back to him. Ah, it was because they were both fighting with magic. Because they both saw it as a fair and worthy way to fight. Loki laughed.

“And you’re as smug as expected,” Strange threw back and that just made Loki laugh harder; more freely.

They continued like that for a while but unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. Loki sent a wave of ice against Strange, encasing him in it.

Loki approached him and finally, there was the fear he had wanted from the beginning. Strange was stuck. This wasn’t ice like the one found in the coldest parts of this planet. This was magical ice, ice from a world made of cold and misery.

Strange was trying to move his hands, trying to get himself out of the ice but Loki just made it harder and colder the more he struggled. That too had always been one of his favorite moves; make his enemy’s struggle their own downfall.

Strange’s skin was turning an unhealthy tone of blue and finally Loki moved his hand to make it easier for him to breathe. Not to move, however.

Loki blinked several times at him, smiling a bit. Oh, how it felt good to feel powerful, to be in charge. This was why he had tried to conquer Midgard. Why he had taken the crown from Odin. This power rush. It just made him feel so alive.

“Am I supposed to beg?” Strange asked and now that he could breathe, he had more control over himself. He didn’t look afraid anymore, though he didn’t look comfortable either. A bit resigned; no closer to getting free than he was just a few minutes before.

“As entertaining as that would be…” Loki started and smiled. With a wave of his hand, he freed Strange. “But no, you don’t need to beg.”

Strange didn’t fall to the floor as expected. Instead he stopped the impact with his feet firmly planted on the ground. The only gesture he made that showed he was in any type of pain was putting a hand on his throat, slightly pressuring it.

“This was more entertaining than I expected,” Loki said, finally turning back to his Asgardian form.

Strange glared at him, which just amused Loki. He was feeling much better now. He’d spend the fast few days locked in a ship full of people who weren’t sure how to feel about him, but mostly seemed to be reluctantly accepting him. He had needed a way to blow off steam and showing Stephen Strange that manhandling him came with consequences had been just the perfect remedy.

“I think I’ll take my leave now,” Loki decided. Hopefully by this point Thor would at least know if the Tesseract had been accepted or not. Well, of course it would. If there was anything Loki knew about the people of Midgard, it was that they loved nothing more than power. Uh, probably not that strange that they hadn’t wanted to be absolutely ruled by him.

“Why turn back to that skin?” Strange asked and Loki raised an eyebrow.

“Why? Do you not find it fetching?”

Strange sent him an unimpressed look but Loki wasn’t going to allow him to get under this skin (pun intended). He had the upper hand and if there was anything Loki had learnt in his long life, it was to always take his leave before he lost it.

“It’s not your true form,” Strange said and Loki smiled.

“I’m a sorcerer. Any form is my true form as long as I choose it.”

Strange locked his jaw again and hum, he really was quite attractive. For a mortal man, that is.

“I’ll see you around,” Loki said and disappeared back onto his quarters. Strange wanted to go around in circles, try to get into his head. Loki just wasn’t having it.

 _Been there, done that, isn’t that the expression?_ The thought came unbidden and Loki made a jerky movement with his head, trying to dispel the thoughts.

Loki had shown Stephen Strange who the most powerful one was and that was what mattered. Now to see what Thor’s “speeches” had led to.

.

“The people of Earth have decided not to imprison you. Instead, you will pay them with community service,” Thor told Loki, who frowned.

“Community service? Sound appalling.”

Thor smiled. It wasn’t particularly kind, “oh, it is. For you. It means you’ll have to work for the community. They showed me pictures; most involved men picking up garbage with some type of giant fork and dressing in orange.”

“Orange doesn’t look good in my complexion,” Loki replied with a smile, leaning back on the sofa. Community service, truly?

Thor glared at him, amused look forgotten, “this is not a joke, Loki. We have not discussed this but I am your king now. As my subject, I command you to do as the people of Earth command you.”

“And if I don’t?” Loki asked, leaning forward with a challenging glint in his eyes.

Thor didn’t even blink. “Then you will be exiled and since Asgard is currently on Earth, you will have to leave this planet and never come back.”

“Never is a very long time for us,” Loki said, with a raised eyebrow.

Thor crossed his arms, not budging. “Yes, it is. So what’s your answer?”

Loki moved his right hand slightly up to inspect his nails. Perfect as usual. “Can I have some time to think about it?”

Thor sighed and finally, there it was, a sign that Loki was getting on his nerves. Honestly, Loki had started to worry that Thor had decided to embark on some trip with a type of Midgardian substance.

“Of course, Loki,” Thor turned to leave and Loki kept his eyes on his nails. He should consider having them permanently black. Or was that too over the top?

Thor turned back, not surprisingly. He never could leave without telling Loki exactly how disappointed he was.

However, instead of the expected rant, Thor went and sat next to Loki.

“You didn’t do a terrible job as ruler of Asgard, you know,” Thor started and Loki froze, but still didn’t turn his head to him. “Yes, you did party too much and how no one realized there was something fishy when you decided to erect a giant statue of yourself, I’ll never understand but… Asgard was prospering, even if the other worlds weren’t. Why did that happen?”

“Asgard prospering?” Loki finally turned to Thor with a raised eyebrow, “I know I spend a lot of time calling Asgardians stupid, but you’re not completely useless.”

Thor rolled his eyes, not raising to the bait. “I meant why did you not better control the rest of the worlds.”

“Oh,” Loki shrugged, “I meant what I said before, you know. The other worlds should be allowed to rule themselves. What was Odin’s great reason to conquer them? For the riches? Certainly not to increase cultural awareness.”

“You didn’t try to destroy Jotunheim this time,” Thor said in a tone like he was almost proud of Loki for going against his murdering tendencies.

His naïve little look just made Loki smile sharply, moving his head slightly closer to Thor’s.

“I never wanted to destroy Jotunheim for myself,” he said, letting hanging between them exactly who he would have done it for.

Thor’s jaw clenched and oh, goody, things were back to normal.

“I don’t know why I expected anything different from you.”

“Oh, and what, pray tell, were you expecting?”

Thor got up and glared at Loki. “For you to finally realize the worth of others’ lives was clearly asking too much.”

Loki laughed, not feeling guilty in the least. “Tell me Thor, what makes a murderer? How many people he kills or his reasons for it?” Loki got up, not feeling intimidated by the few inches between them in the least. “There is blood on both our hands, dear brother. The only difference is I don’t run from what I did.”

“No, instead you pretend you didn’t do anything wrong,” Thor spit out and Loki just laughed. “You have until sundown to decide whether you want to live by Asgard’s rules or live forever in exile.”

Thor left the room without another word and Loki stood there in silent.

“Why would I want to stay?” Loki bit out, his face showing disgust. Truly, why would he?

To make amends for the hundreds that had died in the Chitauri attack? They were dead; whatever he did wouldn’t get them back. No, Midgardians didn’t want to “save” him. They wanted to parade him as some type of symbol.

Loki moved his hand so that everything in the room was pushed against the walls, leaving the center completely empty.

He sat cross legged, calling the Casket of Winters to him.

It was cold. Loki remembered being a child and in the coldest days of the year barely feeling it.

Loki remembered Thor used to be jealous of that particular characteristic of his. But mostly he remembered how his mother used to force more clothes onto him. At the time he’d just seen it as parent worry; just because he didn’t feel the cold it didn’t mean it wouldn’t affect him (even though it didn’t). Now, he knew better. She and Odin had just been trying their best to trick him and everyone around them.

Loki took a deep breath in, not letting it out for some seconds. When he finally did it, it was to the slow transformation of his skin from pink to blue.

It wasn’t the Tesseract. The Tesseract had wanted something from him. The Casket was giving him back something he hadn’t even realized he had been missing in the first place.

Oh, the sheer nerve of Odin. To keep a piece of Loki’s true home so close, yet so far.

Loki looked at it, feeling the sheer power in it. Over the last few months, impersonating Odin, he had spent many hours gazing into it. In fact, when he had taken the Tesseract from the vault there had been no point in taking the Casket, for that one had been a copy, since Loki had taken the real one many months before.

Loki continued to breathe in a meditating manner, not moving his eyes away from the Casket. Unbidden memories came to him.

_Loki remembered falling. It felt like he had been falling forever. Or perhaps he had never fallen. He had forgotten his name. Forgotten everything that made him Loki._

_No more Loki, son of Odin, Prince of Asgard. No more Loki, son of Laufey, Prince of Jotunheim. All that had been left had been nothing, son of no one, Prince of Nowhere._

_And then he’d stopped falling and someone, something, was there. And there was pain and there were words and more pain and command and pain and-_

Loki brought himself back to reality. The Casket was pulsing more energetically, like it was trying to match itself to Loki’s fast heart rate.

He made it disappear back into the pocket in the middle of everywhere and nowhere that he kept his most special artifacts, turning back to his Asgardian form.

Loki got up and went to look down. Soon enough the ship would land in Norway. Apparently, Odin really had known something they hadn’t for that nation had welcomed them with open arms. That and the gold Loki had made, of course.

 _“You have until sundown,”_ those had been Thor’s words and as Loki watched, the sun was in fact going down.

Time, what a curious thing. Even for immortals, like them, it still passed by. They say love was the most powerful thing on the galaxy, but Loki thought time might just surpass it.

He could leave. Maybe go back to Sakar; it really wouldn’t be that hard to dispose of the Grand Master. In less than four months Loki would be its ruler. But he did have to admit that that world had been… well, even Loki had to draw the line somewhere and there was such a thing as basic democracy.

He could, of course, also stay. Loki’s lip curled at the idea of dressing up in some awful orange garment and cleaning the streets like a common peasant.

Certainly, he could also stay and disguise himself. Tell Thor he was leaving and not do it. No one would be the wiser. Until Loki got sick of it and started a fight, that was. Loki didn’t do well with boredom.

Loki didn’t turn away from the window until after the sun went down. Thor gave him around thirty minutes before knocking.

“Enter,” Loki called and Thor came in, though Loki didn’t turn around to make sure it was him. It must be.

“Loki,” Thor said and Loki released the breath he didn’t even realize he’d been holding.

Thor walked towards him and stood silently next to him, looking down.

Loki turned to look at him, simply because it hadn’t stopped amazing just how changed Thor was. Ever since his first trip to Midgard, truly.

Loki wondered what would have happened if he had been banished as well. He had, after all, gone to Jotunheim too. He had actually been the instigator.

Things would probably have just gone to hell even faster, Loki decided.

“Have you made up your mind?”

“Not going to try and sway me either way?” Loki asked with a raised eyebrow and Thor turned to him with a tired sigh.

“I am not mother to cajole you and I am not father to try and influence you. You are the master of your own destiny, Loki. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?”

Loki didn’t answer right away. He could smirk and say something witty. He could say something biting, attacking Thor once more except apparently Thor’s armor against him had become more and more powerful.

Meanwhile, Loki had become… predictable. Using the same tricks against his brother. Static, pretending to be Odin which had become quite boring after the first four days when he realized that no one knew he wasn’t Odin. And those that had suspicions didn’t care enough to make a case out of them.

Loki came very, very close to telling Thor, “I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t think I ever did,” but stopped himself in the last moment. It would be offering Thor too much advantage, too much… of himself.

In the end, Loki just said, “I will stay on Earth and do my… community service.”

Thor smiled, but just for a second.

“I am happy you have chosen to stay… But let me warn you, brother, that this is your last chance. One toe out of line and you will be sent to the most distant star I can find, away even from Heimdall’s eyes,” Thor told him, with fire in his eyes.

Loki just smiled, “I didn’t expect anything else from the king.”

Thor clenched his jaw. He turned back to the window and after a few seconds, relaxed.

“You will be under the guard of Stephen Strange, Sorcerer Supreme.”

Loki snorted, “Sorcerer Supreme? Pray tell, who got him that title?”

Thor shrugged, “it doesn’t matter. He’s currently the strongest magic practitioner on Earth, which makes him the best person to watch out for you.”

Loki showed his teeth to Thor, telling him exactly what he thought of that. However, he declined sharing the knowledge that he had already beat Strange once and that he could certainly do it again.

Anyhow, if not Strange, the next best thing Earth had against him was… Hulk, Loki thought with some trepidation.

“Are we understood?” Thor asked, turning to Loki once more, ice in his eyes.

Loki smiled, “I’ll be in my best behavior.”

Thor clenched his jaw again, “this is not a joke, Loki. This is your last chance,” he took a step towards Loki, who refused to take one back.

“Yes, you’ve made that clear,” Loki said in a boring tone.

“You’ll meet with him every day from nine in the morning to five in the afternoon. All other hours will be spent inside this ship. You will not make yourself invisible to Heimdall’s eyes. If he isn’t able to see you even for one moment, consider yourself exiled.”

Loki didn’t let the smile fall from his face. Thor had put more thought into this than he had expected. No matter, Loki could play by his rules.

Loki nodded, leaning his head slightly to the right, “don’t worry.”

Once upon a time Thor would have smiled and said “you saying that just makes me more worried” but in this instance, he just sent one more warning look Loki’s way before he left Loki’s quarters.

His fate was chosen. Loki turned back to the window. It was pitch black outside, save for a few stars up beyond Midgard’s atmosphere. He smiled; this was going to be fun.

.

Strange was waiting at the entrance when Loki entered the building. He had his arms crossed and he didn’t smile.

“Right, let’s make this fast. You, against all good judgement, have been allowed to stay on Earth. Consider me your parole agent.”

“Parole?” Loki asked with a raised eyebrow, genuinely baffled.

“Yes, it’s what happens to a criminal that gets released earlier from their sentence. In this case, you. As I was saying, I’m your parole agent which means that you cross any line, and I take your ass back to prison. Or, more precisely, back to your ship and from what I’ve heard, you’ll be then thrown to the most far away planet that Thor can find.”

Strange approached Loki, his eyes more intense than last time. “Part of me wants to see you fail. The other part knows that that means innocent lives will be lost. I will not stand for that, are we clear? I will lock you in your worst nightmare before I allow you to hurt anyone.”

Loki smiled, thinking “I’d like to see you try.” But what he said was, “clear as… what’s the expression? Glass?”

Strange didn’t reply. Instead, he turned. “Come along, you’re officially my assistant. You’re going to help me translate some ancient texts.”

Loki rolled his eyes but followed him. Before they were at the top of the stairs, Strange said, “and it’s clear as crystal, not glass.”

Loki just smiled at his back.

.

Loki was slightly impressed at the amount of knowledge to be found in Strange’s library. Just slightly, though. They still had much to improve.

Loki snorted at the book in front of him, “really? Do you know how old this theory about the worlds are? And how completely inaccurate it is?”

“You’re here to translate, not comment,” Strange said, not looking up from where he was sitting at his own table.

Loki rolled his eyes. Sooner or later he’d get on Strange’s nerves. He always did, after all.

Hours before, Strange had given Loki a pile of books, had pointed to table where parchment and ink was and told him to translate. If Loki had known parole would be this boring, he would have just left Earth.

_No, you wouldn’t, you sentimental fool._

Loki ignored whatever nonsense his brain was trying to get to.

“Is this truly the best use of my powers?” Loki asked, simply not able to let sleeping dogs lie. “I am, after all, the most powerful sorcerer on Asgard. I tricked even Odin, the All-Father.”

“I think he allowed himself to be tricked, actually. He didn’t exactly try that hard to leave Earth once he was off your spell,” Strange replied, still not looking up from his book.

Loki got up from his seat and walked towards Strange, leaning against his desk once he was close enough. Strange’s nose twitched.

“I am also several hundred years old. Aren’t you the least curious about everything I could teach you?”

Strange looked up at Loki, “I’ve already had an amazing teacher. I don’t want to ruin her memory by replacing her with you.”

Loki came very close to saying something along the lines of “insolent little-“ but stopped himself in time, simply freezing against the desk. Only for a moment, but still a moment that didn’t go unnoticed by Strange, who turned back to his book with a smile dancing around his lips.

Loki looked around, trying to find something to entertain himself with. The void had been more entertaining than this. Oh, this was Thor’s plan after all. To kill Loki with boredom.

He got up and approached a sword. Very old and certainly not from this planet. Loki went to touch it but before his hand was close enough, another grabbed a hold of him.

“Haven’t you ever been taught not to touch what doesn’t belong to you?” Strange asked, glaring at Loki, who gave him an innocent smile.

“My father was too busy lying to me to teach me basic manners.”

Strange rolled his eyes and let go of Loki. “Oh Jesus, here we go. I can tell this is going to be a recurring occurrence. You know, you’re not the only one with shitty parents. It still doesn’t excuse the hundreds you killed.”

“Tell me, Strange,” Loki started, closing in on the space between their faces, “what makes a murderer? How many people he kills or his reasons for it?”

Strange blinked, “both, of course. Homicide is when you kill one person, manslaughter when you do it but there are legal mitigating factors, murder when you kill with malicious intent… Oh, I’m sorry, was I supposed to not have a reply?”

Loki smiled, “I quite like hearing you talk, actually.”

“I don’t make it a habit of flirting with mass murderers.”

“By what you just said, I’m not really a mass murderer. I didn’t do it with malicious intent.”

“No, you just saw people as dispensable. I don’t know what’s worse and honestly, I don’t care either. I’m obliged to watch over you, that’s it. I don’t have to listen to you and I certainly don’t have to entertain you. So, get back to translating those books before I call Thor.”

Loki didn’t allow his face to move even a muscle. Finally, his smile just got bigger, “as you say.”

He turned and walked away and with Strange to his back he finally allowed his face to contort in anger. Forget maiming; all he wanted right now was to kill Strange.

How his blood would make a beautiful painting on the floor. The terror on his face when he realized that this was the ending, that there was nothing he could do to stop it…

“I can hear you plotting my demise. And I’d like to see you try.”

Loki turned to Strange with a sharp smile, “is that a challenge? I thought we’d already established that I am a far superior fighter in all senses.”

“As you said yesterday, you caught me unprepared. It won’t happen again.”

“Do you truly think you stand a chance?”

“I wouldn’t have actually said yes to Thor’s plan if I didn’t. Some of us put other people’s lives above our ego, as surprising as that might be for you to hear.”

Loki just smiled. Strange really did have a way with words.

They had a staring contest for some moments. Loki wanted to fight him, but at the same time… It had been a while since someone had made him this curious. He wanted to see how far he could push before it was too much. Loki had never liked limits, after all.

Finally, Strange sighed, “I’m done entertaining your delusions. Shut up, do the translating and I’ll see you tomorrow if you want to continue being on Earth. If not, please, and I mean this sincerely, just leave.”

Loki kept the smile on his face, “leave? Why would I? This is just starting to be fun.”

Strange clenched his jaw and oh, the sweet sight of someone being completely done with Loki. It had been almost half a day since he’d last seen it. Loki had started thinking he was losing his touch.

Strange clenched his fists but didn’t reply as he walked and sat at his desk, going back to his book without glancing back at Loki.

No matter; he’d won this one, he’d win the next too. And if he didn’t… Loki was good at leaving a fight with what he wanted, winning or losing.

.

“Loki,” Thor called his attention, not bothering to knock on his door this time.

Loki looked up from where he was laying on the very comfortable sofa he’d conjured a few days before, reading a book.

“Your presence has been requested,” Thor said in a serious tone.

“Oh? And may I inquire by whom?” Loki asked with a raised eyebrow. It had been four days since he’d first started spending his days with Strange and so far, all he’d done had been to translate old books and give information regarding artifacts that Strange had under his protection but knew nothing about.

“Tony, son of Stark, Man of Iron.”

“One of your friends.”

“Yes, the one you threw through a window.”

Loki shrugged, “he survived, didn’t he?”

Thor sent him a warning look to which Loki put his hands up and smiled, “I promise not to do that again.”

“That leaves plenty of things that you can do,” Thor replied and Loki’s smile grew. Well, this had always been one of his favorite play on words – leaving himself a loophole. Thor apparently had finally caught up to it. It had only taken five hundred years or so.

“I won’t harm Stark. You have my word,” Loki promised, which didn’t deter Thor’s suspicious look at all. Honestly, why lie when the truth proved just as hard to believe?

“You’re meeting him tomorrow for lunch. Here’s the address,” Thor passed a piece of paper to Loki.

Loki took it and nodded to Thor, turning his eyes back to the book. Frodo and Sam were about to get to an interesting point in their story.

When Thor didn’t immediately leave, Loki sighed and turned back to Thor. “Yes? Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“It’s been four days and you’re still here.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, did you want me gone?”

Thor sighed and defensively crossed his arms, “I don’t want you to leave, Loki. But I don’t trust you to stay and be good.”

“Good is such a grey word.”

“Most people don’t think so.”

“Most people are boring. Case in point,” Loki smirked to which Thor rolled his eyes.

“I really hope that you have turned a new page. But I won’t hold my breath,” Thor said and finally left, not giving the chance for Loki to get the last word out. He glared at the door.

Loki turned back to the book and refused to think about Thor for the rest of the night. He didn’t care what the big oaf thought. Good on him for finally giving up on Loki; it’s what everyone did, why not him?

_Frigga didn’t._

“She’s dead,” Loki snarled inside his mind and didn’t think any more on it.

.

“If I’d known we’d be eating in such a place, I would have dressed better,” Loki said, entering the restaurant Stark had booked for them. As he did so, he turned his regular suit to one that he’d seen on his way there on a very expensive store.

“Nice trick,” Stark said, already sitting at the only set table on the restaurant.

“Isn’t this cozy?” Loki asked, looking around at how the restaurant was empty but for the two of them. And the dozen armed men around, of course.

“I don’t trust you with the general public.”

Loki shrugged, “you’re not the only one.”

“Yet, you’re still here. Doing community service. How’s that going for you?”

Loki sat down, moving the fork slightly to the left. “Very boring. Almost makes me wish to be back in prison.”

“Not getting along with the parole officer?”

Loki smiled, leaning forward, not missing the interested glint in Stark’s eyes. “Is that what this is? You want information on Stephen Strange?”

To his surprise, Stark gave a bark of laughter. “Information? Me and him go way back.”

“Don’t tell me you’re here to threaten me on behalf of your friend.”

Stark stared at Loki, “I think we both know Stephen can take care of himself. No, you’re here because I don’t trust you and I wanna know what you’re up to.”

“Would you believe me if I said I’d changed? That I really do want to make up for all the evil things I’ve done and… I’m sorry, I just can’t keep a straight face saying it,” Loki finished with a smile.

Stark didn’t reply right away. After some seconds, he moved his right hand up, waving slightly. Loki wondered if he was about to be shot but instead it was just a waiter coming around with some entries.

The man was in and out as fast as possible though Loki didn’t doubt for a second that he wasn’t a trained agent or whatever they were called.

Loki buttered up a piece of bread and ate it slowly. Stark did the same.

“You know what I think?” Stark asked after swallowing his first bite. He didn’t let Loki answer before he continued, “I think you just don’t want to be alone. Your parents are gone and Thor is all you have left.”

“So I’m staying on Earth for him?” Loki asked, continuing to eat his bread like everything was normal, refusing to show how Stark’s words affected him.

“He’s your brother. He’s probably the only person in the whole universe who gives a damn if you live or die,” Stark shrugged, the epitome of relaxation, “makes sense for you to want to stay close.”

Loki almost clenched his jaw, but caught himself on time, instead taking another bite of his bread. He didn’t take his eyes from Stark and he slowly chewed, watching him progressively get more tense as Loki didn’t look away.

Finally, Loki smile. “Maybe I am here for Thor. Maybe I’m here to turn into a better person. Or maybe it’s all a trick and I’m just waiting for the right moment to attack you again.” Loki leaned down, “making you guess is half the fun in it.”

“And the other half?”

Loki shrugged, “I know I said I almost missed prison, but I lied. I quite like being free, actually. And I’d like to keep it that way for a little while longer.”

“Just a little while?” Stark said, finally taking up his bread again. Loki didn’t miss the considering look in his eyes.

Loki smiled, “as I keep saying, forever is a really long time. Especially for an immortal.”

“You can still be killed. I wouldn’t see it as set in stone.”

“Is that a threat, Stark?”

“You bet your sparkly ass it is. We’re all watching you, Loki. One wrong step… and you’re dead.”

“You couldn’t kill me last time, what makes you think you can now?”

“We chose not to kill you last time, or have you forgotten getting up after getting your ass kicked by the Hulk with six weapons in your face?”

Loki wiped his mouth with the napkin. “If you think you could have killed me then without me taking at least one of you with me you’re wrong. You know, when you were talking about me staying here for Thor… You’re afraid I’m not, aren’t I? You all care so much. You want to save everyone but me… I’ll set the world on fire just for the sake of watching it burn and that’s what you’re afraid of.”

“As I said, we stopped you before and we’ll stop you again. And this time, we won’t take it light because you’re Thor’s little brother.”

“You and whose army?” Loki smirked, “don’t think I don’t know that the Avengers have… disbanded, is that the word?”

Stark clenched his jaw, for the first time since Loki had arrived looking affected. He should have known better than to think Loki didn’t know everything. And what he didn’t, he just pretended otherwise.

“I think in your case we might just get the band together.”

“Oh?” Loki raised an eyebrow, “surely it’s not that simple. I mean, would you really work with a man who broke your heart? Quite literally, in fact.”

Stark tensed and Loki laughed, “you have severely underestimated me, haven’t you? Do you not think I did my research before I came here? I’ve seen the videos, read the interviews… Zemo did exactly what I did, except when I did it you had all known each other for some days.”

Stark’s teeth looked ready to crack. “Well, aren’t we having a main dish?”

It took some seconds for Stark to stop glaring and holding on to the tablecloth like it was the only thing stopping him from punching Loki for him to put his hand up and their entrees to be exchanged by some type of fish casserole. It smelled quite good.

They ate in silence. Loki’s brain was burning with questions and retorts that would leave Stark a mess but he decided to keep them inside. Stark obviously had some plan in bringing him here and Loki was curious. It wasn’t like there was a lot of exciting stuff happening in his life right now, anyhow.

“I’ve been studying the Tesseract for the past two days,” Stark finally offered and Loki made a hmm sound, inviting him to say more. “I mean, I’d already done that eight years ago, when it first showed up… before you stole it, of course. It hasn’t changed one little bit. It’s still light years from anything we understand right now.”

“You are a very primitive species. I wouldn’t take it too personally,” Loki said and Stark rolled his eyes.

“Right, reindeer. That’s actually my question. Why did you want it in the first place?”

“Are you saying you think I couldn’t understand it?”

“Oh no, I think you understood it far too well. You see, Thor’s told us all about his new powers. And how he can now feel the Tesseract… Like you’ve always felt it. He says it… wants to control him, in a way.”

“Stark, are you trying to figure out if I was controlled into attacking Earth with the Chitauri? I assure you, I was not.”

“Thor might have thought that. I didn’t. I’ve seen mind control up close and you weren’t it. But you knew it was powerful… and Thor said the Chitauri didn’t come from a world he knew. I actually saw it pretty up close, you know. How did you find yourself there?”

“Thor didn’t tell you about my fall?”

“Is it really falling if you let go? But anyway,” Stark waved a hand, “I’m digressing. I don’t think you wanted the Tesseract for yourself. I think,” he stressed those words, “that you traded it for the Chitauri, for the chance to rule the Earth.”

“And who do you think I made the trade with?”

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. And why you’d give us the Tesseract.”

“You think I’m calling him here?” Loki asked, genuinely surprised at Stark’s thought process.

“So it’s a he?”

Loki didn’t answer, his mind spinning at a thousand a minute trying to find the right angle to deal with the situation.

“He can’t be happy with you. Not only did you fail to take over Earth, but you lost the Tesseract too. Now, we both know you are pretty powerful. Yet, from what Thor told me, you never tried to escape the prison on Asgard.”

There was much Loki could respond with, but he kept silent, wanting to see where Stark was going with this.

“Is he coming back, Loki?” Stark asked seriously and finally, Loki could see how scared he truly was.

“You know he is,” Loki didn’t make it a question, even though he couldn’t start to figure out how Stark could know.

Stark clenched his jaw. “I don’t know who he is. Or what he’s capable of. But… I know something is coming. Something we’re not ready for. Not yet.”

“Are you asking me to fight with you, Stark?”

Stark leaned back, putting his cutlery down on the plate. “Do you have a choice? Well, you could run, of course. But I’m guessing he’d catch you. See, I think that’s why you’re really here. Partly because of Thor, of course, but mostly because right now this is the safest place you can think of.”

“Tell me, Stark,” Loki leaned forward, “if what you’re saying is true and I really am scared of him… What do you think that means for you?”

“I think it means we need the damn best defense we can get. And that means partly you. You have knowledge of him and you are powerful. You can help, Loki.”

 And there it was, the reason why he’d been called.

Loki got up, “thank you for lunch, Stark. It was… most illuminating.”

Stark looked upset and ready to argue but he just stared at Loki, who turned and walk some steps away.

Before he reached the door, he stopped and looked back. “His name is Thanos.”

Watching Stark’s surprised face, Loki disappeared on the spot.

.

Loki did not talk during the whole afternoon. He could see Strange’s eyes boring onto him, suspicious, and usually he would have loved the sight, but as it was he was having a hard-enough time pretending everything was fine, that the conversation with Stark hadn’t affected him and that in no way was he close to losing control of his magic.

Loki was not a child anymore. Magic was as much as part of him as any of his members and for it to be feel so erratic right now… It meant he wasn’t in the right mindset and Loki refused to even amuse the thought. Loki must always be in control. Not to be… It simply wasn’t an option.

_Been there, done that, isn’t that what humans say?_

Loki didn’t pay attention to that.

It was almost five when Thor entered the building like he owned it. Truth be told, Loki was surprised it had taken him this long to show up. Maybe Stark hadn’t told him about their conversation right away?

“Loki,” Thor called his name in a thundering manner.

Loki made sure his sigh was quite audible as he closed the book he’d been trying to translate for the past three hours and a half.

“Thor,” he replied in a bored tone, though his heart started beating just a bit faster.

“We must talk.”

“When you say talk, do you mean in the way most people do or in a special Asgardian way where you’ll end up destroying half the things inside this building? Again, might I add,” Strange said, approaching him from where he’d been sitting at his own desk.

He was looking between Thor and Loki, clearly aware something was going on. Loki guessed he was trying to figure out if it was something he needed to get involved with or if he could wash his hands off the matter.

“If Loki proves easy to deal with, then no blows should come to pass.”

“When have I ever been easy?” Loki asked, rolling his eyes.

Thor glared at him.

“Right, how about you move this conversation to a place with less important objects?” Strange asked, no longer sounding as stressed. He’d decided this was just a brotherly matter, Loki thought.

“Very well,” Thor nodded. “Would you please transport us back to the ship, Loki?”

“Of course, my liege,” Loki made a bow, ridiculously low and to his surprise, heard Strange snort. When he looked at the man in question, he did in fact have a hand in front of his mouth and looked surprised himself at the act.

Loki smiled genuinely at him, to which he got a confused look and then a glare thrown for good measure. Wouldn’t do for them to seem “chummy”.

Loki walked to Thor and without a word to Strange, grabbed his arm and they were gone in a second.

They appeared in Thor’s room, which Loki hadn’t been in a lot. It was always the other way around and while Loki felt more comfortable in his own quarters, he did not want Thor to believe that he was running away.

Neither moved for several seconds, assessing each other. Thor looked quite tense, like he wasn’t sure what emotion he should be showing. Loki felt himself tense up in response; there was no doubt in his mind what this “conversation” was about to be about and he had no desire to open that particular can of worms, as the expression went and oh, Loki wished he had known about it as a child. It would have been a most amusing prank.

Finally, Thor sighed and passed a hand through his face, in a gesture quite unlike him. He looked more tired than usual, now that Loki really took the time to assess him.

“Mother always had a way with words, remember? I think that’s why neither of us figured out about your true parentage sooner. You had so much of both of them in you.”

Loki snorted, “both?”

“Yes, Loki, both,” Thor answered. “Or have you forgotten how stubborn our father was? Although mother could be quite stubborn too; she just went about getting her way in a different way. Like you.”

Loki looked away. He didn’t really want to talk about them. Just thinking Odin’s name gave him a headache and Frigga…

_Am I not your mother?_

“What does it matter? They are dead,” Loki snarled, mostly to Thor but truth be told, partly to himself too. They had controlled him all his life. He wouldn’t allow them the same in death.

Thor shook his head, “all this anger… How did we not see it?”

“Because you chose not to!” Loki yelled, immediately regretting losing his calm. He turned his head to the right, refusing to look at Thor and swallowing everything else he wanted to say.

“I am very sorry for that and I make no excuses,” Thor said and Loki wanted to hit him. He hated this Thor. This grown up, mature man in front of him who somehow, despite all efforts ( _Loki’s efforts_ ) had become a better king than any had expected.

“I don’t need your sorry and I certainly don’t want your excuses,” Loki snarled once more, not being able to stop himself from turning back to Thor, who was looking genuinely contrite and oh, how he longed for the times when they had yelled at each other until their throats were raw and half the room on fire.

“What happened with Thanos, Loki?” Thor asked, changing the subject completely and catching Loki by surprise, who immediately tensed.

He could not stop the memories from flooding his brain.

_He was falling, falling, but it wasn’t like falling because falling meant reaching somewhere, didn’t it? There was no time, no space… No Loki. It was the void. It was nothing. It was helplessness. It was all the feelings and none of them and he was falling, falling, fallingfalingfallingfalli-_

“Loki?” Thor called his name in a gentle tone and Loki couldn’t help the spark of magic that left his fingertips, though he made sure it didn’t leave a mark anywhere around them. Still, Thor looked surprised at the show and genuinely concerned.

“Why does it matter?” Loki asked and he wanted nothing more than to sound bored, like he didn’t care either way, but to his shame he sounded… Almost afraid. Him, Loki, burdened with glorious purpose, sounding afraid… Disgusting.

“We both know why it matters. You gave Tony his name. You know he’s coming.”

“I’m not sure,” Loki said, quite against his will but perhaps if he kept Thor’s attention on Thanos then he wouldn’t look so deeply into Loki.

_Liar, you want Thor’s attention. You want his love. You want him to care._

_You just don’t want to be alone._

Loki forced himself back to the conversation. “Thanos wants the Infinity Stones and he knows several are on Midgard.”

“He’ll come for them.”

“Probably,” Loki replied, this time managing a shrug even though Thor sent him a look that said he could see through his act.

“Why did you not say this earlier?” Thor asked, sounding like he was trying to control his anger.

“When exactly should I have done it? Before or after you incarcerated me?”

“Do not act like the victim, Loki! You murdered dozens of innocents, caused the death and pain of hundreds more. Those were your actions…” Thor made a pause and stared at Loki like he was trying to telepathically find all his secrets. “Were they not?”

“If you’re trying to find someone else to blame, you are looking in the wrong direction. Thanos did not force me to do anything. I wanted to take over Midgard and I did not care who got killed. There was a time where you wouldn’t either.”

“And I feel shame for those years,” Thor immediately replied and Loki felt nauseated at how absolute he sounded.

“Your feelings do not change those deaths, do they? Then why do you look for redemption in me?”

“Because you’re my brother and I love you!”

“You feel guilty for loving a monster,” Loki summarized, not showing any emotion.

“No, Loki! Why do you always… Why must you play with words like that? You hear what you want and then decide the other person’s opinion. I do not feel guilty for loving you. I do not want you to feel guilty for me. I want you to…” Thor turned away. Possibly in the wrong move, Loki decided to keep silent and give Thor time to collect his thought.

Thor looked back at Loki, looking serious. “I want you to feel pride, Loki. In your actions, in who you are… Tell me truthfully, do your actions on Midgard bring you pride? Do you feel content thinking about how you almost destroyed all of Jotunheim?”

Loki did not answer. It was his time to look away. He clenched his hands into fists.

Thor walked towards him, putting his hands on his arms. He did not force Loki’s eyes onto him, however, not like he once would have the second he wasn’t being shown proper attention.

There was much Loki wanted to say. He wanted to attack Thor for… simply being him. The perfect golden child, always leaving Loki in the shadow.

_You didn’t exactly try hard to leave that shadow. You made it your home._

“It doesn’t matter,” Loki finally settled on. “What is done is done.”

“You are correct, there is nothing you can do that will make up for the wrongs you have committed. But it’s not about that. It’s about the here and now. Nothing is stopping you from doing the correct thing now.”

Loki pushed Thor’s arms away from him. “You just want more information on Thanos.”

“Yes, Loki, but it does not mean that I don’t want what is best for you,” Thor replied, refusing to rise to the bait.

“Why can’t you just leave things alone!” Loki exclaimed, not yelling, but not in his normal tone either. “Why can’t you just… lock me away like Odin did to Hela?”

Thor looked shocked. “I… I never would do that, no matter what you did.”

“Wouldn’t you? Are you sure? I’m sure you didn’t think Odin was capable of it either. Yet, we have learnt the truth. He locked up his daughter like a beast once she stopped serving his purpose.”

“He wouldn’t have done the same to you, Loki,” Thor promised and Loki laughed, slightly hysterically, but he couldn’t stop it.

“He already did, remember! Perhaps not in a bottomless pit, but he did lock me away-“

“As punishment for your actions.”

“Because he did not care!”

“That’s a lie!” Thor finally raised his voice. “Father loved both of us. I know he made mistakes, grave ones, but you mustn’t’ doubt his love.”

“That’s easy for you to say, golden boy,” Loki said, getting closer to Thor.

“Have you forgotten that I was exiled? He turned me to mortal and cast me out!”

“You were hardly in any danger,” Loki rolled his eyes.

“I almost died protecting a town from you! You told me father was dead, that I could never return home… What, pray tell, made you say such things? How much anger must you have had for me to make me feel like… Like I was alone in the whole world,” Thor finished, almost in a whisper.

Loki stopped short. He hadn’t thought of that in many years.

_Feels like centuries, doesn’t it?_

Loki could say he didn’t remember why he had done it, why he had been so unnecessarily cruel, but that would be lying. Loki had been hurting and he had wanted someone to feel the same and who better than Thor?

Thor sighed and walked towards the sofa, where he dropped heavily onto. He put his elbows on his knees and leaned his forehead on his hands, looking at the floor. After some silent moments, Loki moved and sat beside him, with enough distance that they wouldn’t accidentally touch.

Thor had always taken his role as a big brother seriously, Loki knew. Thor was always saying things such as “it’s my job to protect you” and it had upset Loki so much. He wasn’t used to seeing Thor so defeated.

Loki raised his hand just a bit, as if to touch Thor, but it had been such a long time since he’d comforted someone… The last time he tried to touch someone it might have just been Frigga, right before she turned into a mirage and disappeared.

With a deep breath, Loki touched Thor’s shoulder. Thor’s shoulders dropped like a weight was lifted and Loki remembered how when they were little; truly little, before the battle training and the friends and everything else, how Thor had always been so proud to make his little brother happy. How he had always been there for Loki. The times when Loki hadn’t wanted to leave his room because he felt everyone stared at how much of a freak he was and how more often than not Thor was just quiet and stayed with him.

Gods, what had happened?

They stayed like that for a long time. Thor with his head down and Loki trying to comfort him.

Finally, Loki opened his mouth and offered the only thing he had left: the truth.

“The void isn’t… it’s not something you can describe with words. I was aware that I was there but at the same time it wasn’t a place I could be in. It was like being asleep and just slightly aware. Slowly, time becomes nothing, feelings disappear… It’s like you’re a spec of matter, one in billions and you’re insignificant.”

Loki made a pause, looking in front of him. He could feel Thor’s eyes on him but didn’t turn his head.

“I did not fall to Thanos’ world. He caught me. He took me from the Void and it was… torture,” Thor made a sound and Loki gave a humorless laugh, “oh no, he didn’t torture me. It was the feeling of being taken from the void that was torture. In a matter of milliseconds, I went from being nothing to being… everything that I used to be. And all that I could remember was how much I had failed.”

“Loki-“ Thor tried to interrupt but Loki squeezed his shoulder and Thor went silent. Loki continued.

“He made me an offer. The Tesseract for Midgard. I said yes. He gave me an army. That’s what happened, Thor,” Loki finally turned to Thor, looking at him more seriously than he had done in a very long time. “I was not a victim or forced. I choose to attack Midgard. That’s on me. Thanos simply gave me the weapons to do it.”

“You weren’t in your right mind,” Thor tried to defend him but Loki shook his head.

“Perhaps at the beginning but once I arrived… I knew what I was doing. Do not do the dead the disservice of thinking they died based on lies. I wanted Midgard and I was prepared to do everything to get it.”

“Not everything. You didn’t kill me,” Thor said in a hopeful tone which Loki couldn’t exactly dispute since that was the truth but he still shook his head.

“Do not look for goodness where there is none.”

“I refuse to believe that. Your goodness may not be obvious, but it is there. You came back for our people. Don’t,” Thor started when Loki opened his mouth to say otherwise. “Whatever reasons you give to yourself for having done it, it does not change it. You were a hero, Loki.”

Loki laughed, “your sentimentality never seizes to amaze me, Thor.”

“Nor your stubbornness, brother,” Thor replied and smiled at him, one of those conspirator smiles they used to give each other as children when they’d been forced to attend official dinners.

Loki did not allow the moment to last, however. He sighed and looked at Thor, “what exactly do you want from me, Thor?”

“You never got it, Loki. I have never wanted anything from you. I just wanted the best for you.”

Loki looked away, not knowing how to answer.

He wanted to say it didn’t matter. Whatever he did now wouldn’t change what he had already done but Thor was right: they lived in the present. Whatever the reasons he gave for his past actions, they were exactly that: in the past. There was nothing making Loki act a certain way right now.

Loki was in control.

He drew a deep breath as he kept repeating the words over and over inside his head.

“Thanos must be stopped,” he said out loud and Thor looked at him surprised. Then his face broke into a giant smile. Loki continued in a haughty tone, not wanting the moment to turn overly sentimental, “otherwise Sakar might just become the safest place in the galaxy and we both know that’s saying something.”

“You seemed to be doing well,” Thor accused. “How exactly did you manage that?”

Loki smiled, “now that, Thor, is quite the story…”

.

“Odinchildren,” Strange said when Loki showed up the next morning with Thor in tow.

Loki would have said the title was wrong if he didn’t think that Strange did it just to get a rise out of him. As it was, Loki didn’t do anything, choosing to let Thor do the talking for once.

“We have grave news,” Thor started and immediately Strange tensed. He looked at Loki in an accusatory way, which just made Loki smirk at him. Thor looked between them and sighed, “this time, my brother is not to blame. Mostly.”

Loki sent him a look. There was plenty of blame to go around, if Thor wanted to play that game.

“Thanos is coming for Earth.”

“Thanos?” Strange asked in the tone of those who had never heard of the Titan and so didn’t know enough to show fear.

“I thought you were more knowledgeable than most humans,” Loki couldn’t help his input.

“Thanos was defeated centuries ago. Even we didn’t learn that much about him growing up,” Thor defended Strange which made Loki roll his eyes. Just because Thor hadn’t learnt that much, didn’t mean the same for Loki.

Thor turned back to Strange, “Thanos, also known as the Mad Titan, is one of the most powerful beings in the universe. He was defeated eons ago by an alliance of Asgardians and other realms, ruled by Odin. Or so we thought.”

“He wasn’t killed?”

“No, he was banished to a world none knew of. And that was all anyone has known of him for the past centuries, until…” Thor glanced sideways at Loki.

“Until I fell and was plucked from the Void by him,” Loki said in a bored tone.

“Of course this had to have something to do with you,” Strange said and Loki smiled at him, teeth showing. “Let me guess, you made a deal with him for the Earth and now he’s coming for you?”

“Correct on the first, wrong on the second. As much as it pains me to admit… I’m not actually that important. Thanos is coming to Earth for the Infinity Stones.”

Strange blinked, “the what?”

“Infinity Stones. The most powerful matter in the universe. There’s six of them and Thanos wants them all.”

“To do what exactly?”

“What do you think? He wants to destroy the universe as a gift to Lady Death.”

“Didn’t you kill your sister?”

“Hela did have some power over the dead but she was not death itself. Death is not a person, no matter what Thanos believes, it is a concept without a shape.”

“Did no one tell him that?”

Loki shrugged, “Thanos isn’t exactly someone you argue with.”

Strange sighed and closed his eyes, scrunching his nose. “This isn’t going to be easy, is it?”

“Of course not.”

Strange sighed again. When he opened his eyes, there was a steel look in them that wasn’t usually there. It reminded Loki of when they’d last fought and he couldn’t help a chill from going through his body.

“What’s the plan?”

“We need to know the location of every Stone so that if they’re not on Earth, the other realms can be warned. And then… we prepare for war,” Thor finished in a grim tone, so unlike the way he’d used to utter those words just some years before.

“Most of the Avengers have been branded war criminals and not without reason,” Strange said, something in his tone that made Loki think this was more personal to him than at first thought, seeing as he had never been an Avenger.

“I know and I will discuss it with Tony as well as this world’s leaders. If we do not come together… there will be no world to stand apart.”

Strange nodded, “very well. Me and Loki will start searching as soon as possible.”

“Really?” Loki asked, with raised eyebrows. “You trust me in search of the most powerful items in the universe?”

“I trust you to find them, not with them,” Strange glared at Loki and turned back to Thor without waiting for a reply. “If they are in fact in other worlds, should we leave them there?”

Thor looked at Loki, who stared back.

“It would be easy to protect them all in one place,” Loki offered.

“But they are too powerful. The six of them together… they might just cause more trouble than Thanos,” Thor replied.

Strange nodded, “right, we wouldn’t want that.”

“There is another option,” Loki piped up, which made both men turn to him. Strange, distrustful, Thor, slightly hopeful. “There is a place I keep most of my personal items… It is not part of any world. It is… a bit like the Void. You are correct, holding the Stones in one place together is not advisable. But if we created several pockets of reality…”

“You think that would work?” Thor asked, more hopeful now.

Loki nodded, thinking of it as their best chance. However, he wasn’t given a chance to talk as Strange said, “absolutely not.”

He turned to Thor, “did you not hear what I just said? I don’t trust him with the Stones, if they really are as powerful as you say they are.”

“They are-“ Thor started but Strange interrupted him too, turning to Loki this time, though his words seemed to be more directed at Thor than at him.

“How do we know this isn’t a trap, anyhow? Loki’s done one deal with Thanos, why not a second one? Maybe this is all a trick for us to give him the Stones and then he’ll give them to Thanos.”

Thor didn’t even look that surprised at Strange’s words. Ah, so the thought had crossed him mind… Loki would have liked to feel upset about it but well, you reap what you sow.

“Are you capable of creating a pocket of existence such as Loki’s?” Thor asked Strange.

Strange didn’t answer right away, thinking over the words. Finally, he nodded. “Yes. I will do it alone, however. Loki will help me find the Stones but that’s as far as his involvement goes.”

“What about when the fighting time comes?” Loki asked, curious about the answer, but not really caring either way. He knew where Strange’s opinion stood on him.

Strange didn’t reply right away. He stared at Loki and then moved his hands around, conjuring a square of gold thread. Loki looked with some trepidation, remembering what had happened the last time Strange had done that in front of him, but refused to show fear.

Loki did not move when Strange threw the square at him, though outwardly nothing happened.

“Is that it?” Loki asked amused.

“If I die, you will be trapped in a time loop forever.”

“What if you die by hands not mine?” Loki asked, quickly glancing down at himself, but not seeing anything different.

Strange raised an eyebrow, “are you trying to find a loophole for my death or truly worried about yourself?”

“If I wanted you dead, you would already be,” Loki promised, not keeping the smug tone from his voice.

“Children, behave,” Thor said. Then he turned serious to Strange, “Loki is right, however, what if you die in the fight with Thanos?”

“Nothing will happen to Loki as long as he doesn’t betray us,” Strange said, not really answering the question.

“It doesn’t matter. You won’t die until you take the spell out, even if I have to protect you myself,” Loki said, though in truthfulness it sounded more like a threat than a promise.

Strange didn’t bother replying, instead turning back to Thor, “do we have a deal?”

Thor glanced at Loki, who stared back at him, and turned to Strange with a nod. “Yes.”

“Good. Let’s get started.”

.

Thor left them to start research so they both sat at a desk as Loki picked up a piece of paper and started writing.

“The Space Stone is blue and currently resides in the Tesseract, which is on Earth. The Mind Stone is yellow and is with the Vision, who is also on Earth. The Reality Stone is red and I sent him to be placed under the protection of the Collector,” at Strange’s questioning look, Loki explained, “almost as old as the universe. He holds possibly the largest collection of artifacts in the whole galaxy.”

Strange blinked, “he’s clearly mad for power. And you thought it was a good idea to give an Infinity Stone to him?”

Loki shrugged, “it couldn’t be kept with the Tesseract.”

“Right,” Strange said, in a tone that meant anything but that. He picked up his own piece of paper and wrote, “find the Collector and the Red Stone.”

“Mind Stone, currently residing in the Aether.”

Strange nodded and surprisingly wrote the word correctly. “And the rest?”

“The Power Stone is purple, the Time Stone green and the Soul Stone white. We don’t know where those are.”

“Wait, did you say Time Stone?”

“Yes,” Loki answered and Strange frowned.

“What does it do? Can you travel in time with it?”

It was Loki’s time to frown. He didn’t say anything for some seconds, noting how pale Strange was turning. “You know of it.”

“Yes, I have had… encounters with it.”

Loki blinked and then, before Strange could stop him, he pushed a hand against Strange’s mind and brought forth his memories of the Time Stone.

_The Eye of Agamotto. Time manipulation. Mordo stopping him (heleftheleftheleft). Dormammu. Death. Death. Deathdeathdeathdeath-_

“Stop!” Strange yelled, pulling away. He was breathing hard, looking a bit crazy.

Loki’s hand was still hanging between them. He pulled it down.

“You… You… What gives you the right!” Strange jumped up. “How dare you enter my mind without permission? How… get out!”

Loki stared at him, partially still trying to get himself out of those memories ( _deathdeathdeathdea-_ ), partially being surprised at how angry Strange had gotten.

“I said get out!” Strange yelled and sent a portal through Loki, who was now standing in his bedroom.

“Well, that escalated quickly,” Loki said with his hands on his hips. Then he sighed and let his arms fall. He probably shouldn’t have done that.

It was a very useful spell but in all the years Loki had been using it, no one had ever appreciated it. Unfortunately, the only way to truly know if someone was being honest or not was to see for himself.

_He was staked. His eyes bled. His skin was cut. He died. He died. He died. He died. Hediedhediedhediedhedi-_

Loki shook his head to get himself away from those memories. The reason why Loki didn’t use the spell that often was because he didn’t simply see the memories like an outsider; they became part of him. He was aware they were not his, yet sometimes…

How was Strange sane? He had actually died millions of times and yet he’d just… got up and walked to Dormammu and said _“I am here to bargain”_ like he didn’t already know what was about to happen. And one time it didn’t.

But he hadn’t known that. Strange had been prepared to do that for millennia. Stay there forever for the sake of everyone on Earth.

It was… altruistic at a level that Loki had never before seen.

And he’d just forced him to revive all that.

Loki sighed again. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d done something that had made him feel quite this much of a bastard.

He debated for a while to go back and apologize or not. On one hand, Strange probably needed the time to relax. On the other, Loki knew that when he was completely alone it was when the memories where worse.

He sighed again. Then he transported back to New York.

“Strange?” He called with some trepidation but no one replied. Loki frowned at the silence and then started looking for Strange.

It took him a while to find him, since he wasn’t in any of the rooms Loki knew. Instead, he found him in the basement, hugging his knees to his chest.

“Strange?” Loki called in a low and gentle tone. There was no reply. “Stephen?” Loki tried instead and he saw Strange’s head moved slightly but that was it.

Loki walked slowly towards him, thinking of him as a scared and caged animal. Loki didn’t want to have to hurt him, not when he’d already done this much.

“Stephen?” He called, just a few feet from his back.

“Did you enjoy it?” Strange’s voice sounded raw, like he’d been screaming.

_He did scream. Dormammu didn’t always make it quick. Sometimes it hurt so much Stephen almost made it stop. But when the pain was the worst he couldn’t even remember how to form words._

“Did you!?” Strange yelled when Loki didn’t reply the first time.

“No,” Loki answered. “I’m… I’m sorry for bringing those memories back.”

Strange laughed brokenly. “You’re sorry. Right, of course you’re sorry. You’ve killed hundreds of people and now you’re sorry because you made me remember when I died over and over and over again!?” He was yelling again by the time he finished, getting up and turning to Loki with a deranged look in his eyes.

Loki didn’t take a step back, but the instinct was there. Strange wasn’t a caged animal; he was a furious one.

“You know, some of the ways I died probably aren’t that different from the way people died in New York because of you,” Strange advanced on him, speaking with precision, but still full of anger. “I burned to death and some buildings caught on fire. I felt like a building was collapsing on me. That actually happened to some people in New York. I died slowly. So did some of them.”

Strange stopped right in front of Loki, “did you enjoy that?”

Loki didn’t answer. Strange grabbed his neck, “did you!?”

Loki pushed him back, “do not treat me like some weak human you can manhandle.”

“Yes, you’re right, most humans are weak. They need to be protected! Protected from people like you!” Strange yelled in his face.

“Not everyone is good. You wouldn’t protect everyone and you know it. But to believe that… That would mean that dying wasn’t worth it.”

“I would do it again! I did it! Over and over and over…” Strange’s breath started coming in short. He continued in an almost whisper, “over and over and over and o-“ He was gasping for breath.

Loki looked with some shock at him. He recognized the symptoms from a panic attack; he’d had a few growing up.

Loki grabbed Strange’s arms, who was looking around like a wild animal and spoke with calmness, “look at me. Breath like I breath. In,” Loki’s nostrils flared, “out,” he breathed out loudly.

Strange glared but after a few tries, started following Loki’s movements. In the beginning he couldn’t keep up but after some moments, his breathing went back to normal speed.

Loki let go of him and Strange took a step back.

“Thank you,” Strange said in a conflicting tone, clearly just doing it for politeness sake.

“You’re welcome,” Loki tried to make himself sound as truthful as possible. Strange still glared at him.

“Why are you here, Loki?” Strange asked with tiredness in his voice.

“I wanted to apologize.”

“I don’t mean here with me, though… I appreciate it,” Strange said like he was chewing through rocks. “I meant, here on Earth. Trying to stop Thanos.”

“You said it yourself that this might be all a trap.”

“It might. But I’m inclined to believe otherwise.”

“You really are a hopeless believer. I wouldn’t have thought so.”

Strange shrugged, “it’s my arrogant exterior.”

Loki couldn’t stop himself from giving a bark of laughter. Strange smiled just a second but went back to serious.

Loki sighed and then grabbed Strange’s arm, not letting him speak in outrage before transporting them to the kitchen.

Strange looked questioningly around them.

“I think we could both use some tea.”

“You have tea on Asgard?”

“Used to, yes,” Loki replied with a shrug, “we’re not Barbarians, you know.”

“How could I think otherwise?” Strange rolled his eyes but Loki ignored him, making two cups of tea appear.

“I can do that trick too,” Loki said, remembering when Thor had talked about Strange some days before.

Strange hummed and took a sip from his tea. He looked surprised at Loki when it was exactly the way he liked. Now that one hadn’t required magic, just good memory.

Loki took a sip from his own cup and they were silent for some moments.

It wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable but Loki could feel Strange’s eyes boring onto him, wanting his questions answered.

“I am… Trying,” Loki started, holding his cup with both hands and looking down at it. “To be better.”

“Why?” Strange immediately questioned.

Loki looked up and frowned, “does it matter?”

“In the big scheme of things, no. However… I would like to know.”

Loki stared at him for some seconds, studying him. But Strange just stared back, opening himself to Loki. Which was saying something, seeing as Loki had just caused him to have a panic attack.

Right, he probably owed him some truth.

The words felt bitter as they left his mouth, “I did not find out I was a Frost Giant in the best circumstances. We went to Jotunheim to fight and one of them grabbed my arm… Instead of it turning black and dying, it turned blue.”

Loki paused, remembering that moment like it had just happened.

“I’m not full Jotun, I don’t think. Odin said I was left to die for being a runt.”

“He said that?” Strange asked and Loki laughed.

“Are we forgetting this is the same man who locked his first born away for millennia?”

Strange made a face at that but didn’t interrupt again.

“I yelled and he went into the Odin sleep. It’s when he slept for a very long time, trying to recover some strength,” Loki explained at Strange’s confused look. “Then I was king and no one wanted me there. Thor was banished, Odin was asleep and no one wanted me to be king and I was…” Loki drew a deep breath.

“Hurt,” Strange said and Loki glared.

“I was going to say angry.”

Strange just stared at him and Loki sighed again.

“Perhaps I was hurt too. Anyway, things happened and then I just… I decided to destroy Jotunheim. I said it was for Odin but I think I just wanted… to destroy for the sake of destroying it. To be the powerful one for once.”

Strange didn’t say anything at that.

“I think I reminded Odin of Hela at that point. Thor destroyed the Bifrost and we were both close to being lost… But Odin grabbed Thor in time who in turn grabbed me. And then I… let go.”

“And Thanos found you.”

“He did. And he made me an offer. And I said yes.”

“Because you wanted to be powerful,” Strange resumed.

Loki didn’t reply right away. He could stay yes, leave it at that.

He drew a deep breath and instead said, “I wanted to be noticed. Instead I got thrown into prison and ignored by Odin until he said that he was proud of his sons right before he died.”

Strange didn’t say anything for a while. In the end, what he said was, “you deserved to be thrown into prison.”

Loki laughed, “probably.”

Strange glared like there was no doubt in it.

Loki just smiled.

“And now you want to protect Earth.”

Loki shrugged, “I don’t want to see it destroyed. Can’t you leave it at that?”

Strange frowned, “they’re quite different things.”

“Ah, but living in a black and white world is so boring. I like this version much better.”

“You’re a little shit,” Strange said and Loki laughed with delight.

They were silent again.

“I think we should call it a day,” Strange said and Loki nodded, getting up.

Before he disappeared, however, he looked Strange straight in the eyes and said, “I really am sorry for making you relive those memories. I… I know what it’s like to be stuck somewhere and not seeing a way out.”

Strange looked questioningly at him, nodding after some seconds, apparently finding whatever he’d been looking for.

Loki transported himself back to the ship.

.

“Thor has found the location of the Power Stone. It is being held by the Nova Corps, an intergalactic military and police force,” Loki told Strange the next day.

By mutual, though silent, agreement, they were both ignoring the events of the previous day.

“Does he trust them to not use it?”

“They were aware of what they held as of the threat Thanos poses. Although they cannot leave the Nova Empire to come help us, they have put Thor in contact with a team that defeated one of Thanos’ allies.”

“And what do you think?” Strange turned attentively to Loki, who rolled his eyes.

“I think anyone calling themselves Guardians of the Galaxy probably shouldn’t be taken that seriously… however, Ronan’s actions reached even the ears of Asgard and the fact that they managed to defeat him does make for a good reputation.”

Strange nodded, “so for now it’s one less Stone to worry about.”

“Unless, of course, Thanos will go for it before he comes for the ones on Earth,” Loki pointed out.

“That just means we need to make sure the other Stones are secure as soon as possible.”

Loki made a humming sound in agreement and went to join Strange at a desk. “Are you reading about creating pockets in the fabric of the universe?”

“Something along those lines. How did you learn to do it?”

Loki smiled widely at that, “honestly, it was an accident. I stole one of Thor’s toys and I needed a place to put it away. He was rapidly approaching me and I knew I would get in trouble if he told our parents I’d taken it so I just… held onto it and wished it was hidden and suddenly it was.”

Strange was looking interestedly at Loki, who realized he’d never spoken with so much enthusiasm in Strange’s presence before.

With a shrug and in a calmer tone, Loki finished, “of course, it took me close to a month to figure out how to get it back but by that point Thor had forgotten it.”

“Have you ever tried to go there physically?” Strange asked in a curious tone, but also that of one who was genuinely interested in the laws of magic, as it were. It had been a very long time since Loki had heard it. He couldn’t help but to show a similar interest.

“Of course. I first tried with a small rat… but nothing happened. So I tried with a bigger animal, an eagle. It still did not go away. So finally I tried with myself.”

“And what happened?” Strange was definitely interested.

“Nothing. I tried several more times through different ways but nothing happened. Wherever my objects exist while away from reality, it is not a place for live beings.”

Strange frowned, “and has anyone ever been able to locate one of your objects there?”

It was Loki’s time to frown, “I have never tried it. Not many people knew of its existence and those who did were not magic practitioners,” _or would never betray my confidence like that,_ Loki thought, thinking of his mother.

“Well, I think this is something to try.”

Loki went to refuse but it was fair. What was the point in sending the Stones away if Thanos was capable of picking them up as easily as they were standing right beside him?

“Very well,” Loki nodded. “Let’s try something simple first. Try and follow my magic signature as I make this pen disappear.”

Strange nodded and Loki picked up a random pen. He made a fist around it and then it was gone. Strange was frowning.

“Well?” Loki asked.

Strange shook his head, “nothing. One second it was there, the other… there was nothing.”

“Do you even know how to check for magic signature?”

Strange rolled his eyes, “just because I have not been doing this for hundreds of years doesn’t mean I’m a complete incompetent.”

“Hm,” was Loki’s only reply. “Let’s try it the other way around. I’ll bring the pen back and then you can try and figure out where it went.”

Loki did as he said and the pen was back in his hand. He passed it to Strange.

Strange held onto it with his right hand while slowly moving the left one around it. There were golden specks of magic leaving it as it moved.

Loki had never paid much attention to Strange’s hands, which was the only reason why he’d missed the severe scarring they both showed. Loki wondered what could have caused them; not Dormammu. Strange had come back from that experience with no physical scarring.

“Nothing,” Strange’s voice brought Loki back to reality. He stared as Loki turned to him, having caught him in the act.

Strange flexed his fingers at the attention and Loki couldn’t help himself but to stare at them again.

“May I ask what happened to them?” Loki couldn’t help the curiosity but knew that anything but good manners wouldn’t give him the answer.

Strange didn’t reply right away, instead taking the time to study Loki as he had done before. Loki wondered what exactly he sought but decided that was an unlikely question to get an answer to.

“I was in a car accident.”

“It must have been quite severe,” Loki noted. The unscarred parts of Strange’s hands were quite small.

“Yes, my hands were crushed in the impact. I’m lucky I didn’t die but my hands were damaged for life.”

“Why didn’t you transport elsewhere at the time of the accident?” Loki asked with a frown.

Strange laughed though Loki couldn’t see the humor. “I didn’t have any knowledge of magic back then. I didn’t even believe in it, really. No, I was… a surgeon. Best of the best,” Strange looked immersed in old memories. He laughed again though this time he didn’t sound amused. “Ironically, I’d been looking at scans for a patient at the time of the accident.”

“Hum,” after a moment’s hesitation Loki offered his right hand up, very close to Strange’s one. “May I?”

Strange stared at him again and this time the pause was bigger. Loki didn’t move, knowing that showing his injuries to Loki that closely would be showing a lot of trust from Strange’s part.

In the end, Strange nodded and put his left hand on top of Loki’s, palm down, right hand still holding the pen.

Loki closed his eyes. He did have some education in the art of magically healing wounds. He’d never been the best (hadn’t really tried to be) but he’d always been able to see the damage, even though more often than not the truly serious ones had been beyond his skills.

Loki could see that several bones had been broken and more veins cut than one would expect to survive it.

“You’re lucky to have lived,” Loki said, still eyes closed, so he couldn’t see Strange’s reaction.

It took him a moment’s pause to reply with a whispered, “yes.”

It was like Strange didn’t want to break the quietness of the moment.

“I can’t heal it,” Loki said, opening his eyes.

“I didn’t think you could,” Strange replied, but there was still something bitter there. Still, Loki noticed the usage of “could” and not “would”.

“Not everything can be repaired,” Loki offered, not even sure why.

There was another pause between them, Strange once again studying Loki, who was surprisingly okay with being searched. It had been a very long time since someone new had cared so much about trying to figure Loki out.

“I thought of using the Eye of Agamotto to go back in time and stop the accident.”

“Why didn’t you?”

Strange didn’t answer right away. “In the beginning I was just… afraid that by messing with time, I’d get in an even worse accident. And then…” Strange looked around him, “this is not the life I pictured for myself but now that I have it… I wouldn’t change it,” he finished, turning back to Loki.

“Just because some things can’t be repaired, it doesn’t mean new things won’t take its place,” Strange said and Loki clenched his hands, forgetting that he was still holding Strange’s hand. He let go as he felt Strange squeezing back.

They stared at each other for some seconds before Strange coughed and looked away, “shall we try it again, then?”

Loki nodded and they spent the next few hours trying to follow Loki’s things through space.

.

Loki was reading a book about transportation as someone knocked at the door.

“Enter,” he called, closing the book.

Thor walked in with purpose, taking long strides to Loki, who couldn’t help but shrink minutely back. “Loki.”

“Whatever it is, I didn’t do it,” Loki immediately said even though in all fairness that might be a lie. It wasn’t his fault Korg was just so easy to prank.

“Thank you,” Thor said and hugged Loki, who was too surprised to do anything more than gape.

When several seconds went by and Thor’s hug just seemed to increase in strength, Loki slowly moved his arms around him, releasing a long-held breath.

Loki couldn’t remember the last time they’d hugged. It must have been a very long time ago. Even before their relationship started falling apart, they’d never been that physical with each other, not outside fighting practice anyhow.

“What exactly am I being thanked for?” Loki reluctantly asked. He wasn’t above taking credit for something he hadn’t done, certainly, but those things had a way of coming back to biting him in the arse when he had no idea what was going on.

“Sif. You gave her leave to come to Earth months ago,” Thor said, finally letting go and looking him in the eyes.

Loki frowned, letting his arms fall away, “yes, why wouldn’t I?”

“Loki, she…” Thor took a deep breath, “she’s alive.”

“Oh,” Loki whispered and finally realized why Thor looked close to tears. His closest friends, the Warriors Three, had all died defending Asgard. He’d probably thought Sif had died too.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier,” Loki offered, having genuinely forgotten about Sif, who’d left Asgard quite a long time before.

“It’s fine,” Thor immediately responded. “It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that she’s alive.”

Loki offered him a smile. Thor drew a deep breath again and got up from where he’d knelt on the floor to be eye level to Loki to hug him.

“Is she here?” Loki asked, trying as hard as possible to sound like he didn’t care either way.

There was no love lost between him and Sif but once upon a time they’d been considered friends. Alongside the Warriors Three, who had died at the side of many nameless Asgardians, remembered by just a few.

“Yes. She’s with Heimdall now. I would like you to come with me… We are discussing ways to honor the dead, which we unfortunately have not done yet.”

Loki didn’t have to think hard before nodding and getting up. Thor smiled at him and Loki forced himself to not say anything mean to detract from the moment. Honoring the death was a necessary ritual of Asgard and he would not be disrespectful.

They were silent and Thor led him to the main hall, which was surprisingly fuller than expected.

Most Asgardians had left the ship days before to start their new lives in Norway but not everyone was happy with their accommodations and so had returned to the ship, expecting Thor to make it better.

Sif was talking to Valkyrie, drinking up every word coming out from Valkyrie’s mouth, who was looking partly embarrassed, partly proud.

Loki would have been content in staying back until they’d finished talking but Thor kept walking towards them and Loki decided this was absolutely not the time to show any type of fear. Which he wasn’t feeling, of course.

Sif smiled as she saw Thor approach. Then her eyes found Loki and the smile fell. Loki could have sworn the temperature dropped a few degrees as she narrowed her eyes at him.

By his turn, Loki walked calmly and assuredly towards her, back held straight, as he’d done in his first few months as Odin. Then he’d gotten bored of being kingly all the time and had said to hell with it and done whatever he wanted.

“Loki,” Sif almost snarled her name. Loki did not in any way walk slower towards her. He shouldn’t have bothered, anyhow, as she took some very long strides to catch up to him. When she did, she slapped him.

“Ouch,” Loki said and took his right hand to his cheek, feeling it heating under his touch.

“You… We mourned you! Again!” Sif said in a very loud tone, though she didn’t yell.

Loki knew they had mourned. He had seen it; a few toasts during a drinking night and that had been it.

“As a human once said, “the reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”

“It’s not a rumor if I saw you die!” Thor called out, though he didn’t seem that bothered. Loki just shrugged.

“Do not think that just because Thor has forgiven you, that I have,” Sif threatened. Loki just sent her a look.

“What makes you think I want your forgiveness?”

“I should have known you had not changed at all. Tell me, are you planning on impersonating Thor next?”

“Actually, a few years with an eyepatch were quite enough for me,” Loki quipped, trying as hard as possible not to rise to Sif’s bait. As if he owed her anything.

Sif glared but Thor put a hand on her shoulder and she calmed down.

“We have other matters to discuss,” he said gravelly and she nodded, sending a final glare to Loki before dismissing him and going back to Valkyrie.

Loki glared at her back but Thor sent him a look and he decided not to continue their discussion, no matter how much her last disdainful look left a sour taste in his mouth.

Heimdall and Valkyrie nodded at him as he approached and Loki nodded back, stepping to Thor’s right as he started speaking.

The Aesir didn’t seem to have an opinion on Loki’s return one way or another. They’d never loved him but most of his actions had been against a different realm so they’d never cared that much and he hadn’t really done anything bad to Asgard when he’d impersonated Odin – he knew for a fact that many people had much appreciated his interest in the arts – so, so far they’d accepted his return as Asgard’s Prince without complaint.

“As we are all aware, we lost many, many people in the war against Hela. Although their bodies have been lost alongside Asgard, it does not mean that we do not have a responsibility to honor their death,” Thor proclaimed, standing tall and moving his eyes around the room, everyone paying attention to him. “For that reason, in two nights time we will celebrate our dead with a feast that will be spoken of for many years to come!” Thor finished and people cheered for him.

Thor said a few more words about hope for the future and patience and then people started dispersing, though some came to say a few words to Thor, who was showing himself to be a king more open to communication than Odin had ever been.

Sif went back to conversing with Valkyrie, though she kept sending him looks. Heimdall went… to do whatever Heimdall did now that he didn’t have the Bifrost to look after and Loki waited for Thor to be alone.

He didn’t want to ask if his presence was welcome but… the feast Thor had spoken of would most likely take place in a Midgardian city and so far, Loki’s return to Midgard had been kept secret. No one was quite sure how the humans would deal with it, but general opinion was that it wouldn’t be pretty.

Loki didn’t really care either way but he wouldn’t be held responsible if people started throwing ruined food at him. Better to just stay away for some more time. Besides, he had always liked a good entrance.

“Loki,” Thor called his name as the last person left, approaching him. “I’d like to ask you a favor.”

Loki raised an eyebrow, quite surprised.

“The feast will take place at the new Avengers’ quarters which is quite big, well protected and private. Tony is helping me procure food and amusement, however… I would like you to find something special for it.”

“Special how?” Loki asked.

“Unfortunately, there is no way for us to do the traditional rites of death. However, I do believe it is necessary to show some type of… symbol.”

Loki thought about it for some seconds, already thinking of several possibilities. “I’ll do it.”

Thor smiled, “thank you.” He started walking towards Sif and Valkyrie but Loki called his name.

“Won’t my presence be disruptive for the humans?”

“The only humans in attendance will be the Avengers and Strange,” Thor paused, “though I have been discussing the matter with Tony and the governments. We cannot keep your presence hidden for much longer but… we’re unclear on how to best make the announcement.”

“Wait for a catastrophe to happen and then let me show up and save the day,” Loki said which made Thor glare. He rolled his eyes, “I’m quite serious, you know. Actions speak louder than words and no one will believe I am not here to do harm if all they have is my word.”

“You saving some of them might not change that,” Thor countered.

“True, but it’ll go a long way off. Besides, half your team is in the other side of the world. I think you’re a bit short of people.”

Thor frowned, “I am still not sure what happened there.”

Loki rolled his eyes and made a small wrist movement with his right hand, making a big document appear.

“These are the original Sokovia Accords, the one Captain America and his friends refused to sign. These,” Loki made another movement and a new document appeared, “are the new Accords, which Stark has been working for. Quite an interesting read; they even mention what happens when beings from other worlds show up.”

Thor took the documents with a frown. “You’ve read them?” Loki nodded. Thor took a moment to continue, “who do you think was right?”

“I think it didn’t take me long to research Tony Stark and Steve Rogers and know that this would be the outcome. However, Midgardian’ law is quite different from ours and I don’t… disagree with the Accords. Stark has put a lot of thought into it and it is amazing the number of loopholes that you won’t find.

“If you’re to stay in this world as Asgard, you will probably have to sign them.”

Thor looked up from the documents, “if?”

“Ragnarök brought death to Asgard… It should bring its rebirth as well.”

“That might take centuries,” Thor argued, though not in a contrary tone.

“Which is why you probably have to sign them. This isn’t Asgard. Humans vote for their leaders, who aren’t usually in power for more than a couple decades, and not necessarily in the same role.”

Thor stared at Loki for some seconds before commenting, “it’s been a while since I’ve heard you so interested in something.”

Loki didn’t close off as he wanted to. Instead he smiled, “I’ve always liked knowledge, Thor.”

Thor opened his mouth but closed it before replying. The atmosphere had grown tense.

“I will… read these. Thank you,” Thor nodded and then walked away.

Loki sighed. He hadn’t wanted to alienate Thor. He was… content with the way their relationship was going. Thor had become quite a good listener, he thought more before he spoke, he was… the brother Loki had always wanted, really. But of course, if Thor could change so much, so could Loki and that was just a can of worms he wasn’t willing to open just yet.

“He trusts you,” Sif said, stepping up next to him.

“Haven’t we been here before?” Loki asked in a bored tone, remembering her last threat.

To his surprise, however, Sif did not glare at him.

“I would like to trust you too, Loki.”

Loki raised his eyebrows. He came close to asking a similar question to before, “what makes you think I want your trust?” but instead he was silent and waited for her to continue.

“Besides Thor and Heimdall, you are one of few surviving people that I have known for centuries.”

Loki looked away, remembering Thor’s sorrow at the remainder that his childhood friends were dead. Loki had not spent much time thinking about it but now that it had been refreshed… There was no lost love between them by the end but… he was sorry about the way they’d gone.

“I remember the good moments, Loki. I hope you do too and that you are able to move on from all your anger and despair. I’m sorry I was not there for you when you needed,” Sif offered, bowing to him.

Loki was too surprised to respond right away. He thought of many things to say, but in the end just said, “thank you.”

After a moment’s pause, he continued, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you,” she replied and they were silent again. Then Sif smiled, “I can’t believe one of the Valkyries is here.”

Loki laughed, “you sound just as in love as Thor is.”

Sif knocked her shoulder against his, “don’t pretend you weren’t awe struck when you met her. Thor wasn’t the only one that used to want to be one of them.”

Loki just snorted. The conversation ended like that but they stayed in silence and motionless for some more moments. Strange’s words came back to memory, _“just because some things can’t be repaired, it doesn’t mean new things won’t take its place.”_

Perhaps the human knew more than Loki had first given him credit.

.

Loki spent the hours before the feast conjuring clothes for the Asgardians. Most hadn’t exactly run away with many things on their back and there wasn’t enough time to sew new clothes and while a lot of them appreciated Midgardian fashion and how it differed from land to land, they wanted to dress traditionally that night.

Clothes, like any other object, did not appear out of thin air. Loki simply used what they were already wearing and changed it some to what they wanted. Luckily, most were satisfied after a few tries but there was always that one that was annoyed by the tiniest little thing.

It hadn’t taken long for a headache to show up. Fortunately, so had Strange and once he’d understood what Loki was doing, he’d offered to help. Of course, Loki did not require help but he did still have some details to finalize so the two of them had been finishing up in silence for the past hour.

Finally, the last Asgardian left them.

Loki closed his eyes and focused on his outfit for the first time.

Clothes in Asgard had always been important, especially when you were the Prince. Loki remembered the days he had spent with his mother trying to figure out the color that best suited him, the pattern, the fabric… The helmet had taken even longer.

Thor and Loki had both been told they needed to design their helmets. It hadn’t taken Thor too long to come up the idea for his; if he could fly with Mjolnir then he should have something to do with that. Meanwhile, Loki had thrown away drawing after drawing until he’d been doodling a beast.

The horns had called his attention and he’d gone to Odin that same day. He’d felt so powerful when he’d said, “I want a golden helmet with horns” even though he knew it would be quite unlike most warriors’ helmet. Odin had just silently looked at him for some seconds before he nodded.

Over the past few years, Loki had amused himself thinking that Odin must have worried that Loki’s desire for horns might have come from his biology.

As it were, Loki had just thought they would make for a good pointy object to stab if there was nothing else around.

Tonight, however, Loki forewent the helmet. It was for war and this should be anything but that.

His trousers remained black but he added some green to his shirt and created a majestic cloak, in black, green and gold.

He opened his eyes and found Strange staring at him. Loki refused to blush.

“Would you mind changing my clothes as well?” Strange asked. “I would like to pay my respects to my best ability.”

Loki didn’t reply in words but approached him. His clothes weren’t that different from what one would have worn in Asgard, though the fabric was lighter.

Loki didn’t change his cloak, already knowing that there was a magic in there that wouldn’t allow modifications. Besides, it was quite grandiose already.

He kept the blues but made Strange’s pants longer and tighter, to which Strange muttered, “damn you and Stark” which Loki magnanimously chose to ignore. The shirt he turned black and the jacket he shortened up, so that it didn’t take away from the cloak. He was pretty sure he received a grateful hum from the item in question.

“Thank you,” Strange said and Loki smiled.

Neither moved from their place, standing closer than they had been since the day Strange had had his panic attack.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Strange offered and Loki couldn’t stop the surprise from showing in his face. “I can’t imagine what it must have been like to lose so many of your people alongside your home.”

They both knew that Loki was not Aesir and that Asgard had never been his true home… Except in all the ways he was and in all the ways it had been.

“Thank you,” it was Loki’s turn to thank him, doing it in an almost whisper, not wanting to break the calmness of the moment.

“I was four the first time I saw the death rituals. I don’t remember everything but I remember the fire… we lay our dead in boats and then set them on fire and they fall off this world.”

“I’m sorry you can’t do it here. Thor told me you would be doing something else.”

“Yes,” Loki said but didn’t say what. Strange didn’t ask.

Loki felt like he was supposed to be tense, so close to someone whom just some weeks before he’d fought against, someone he argued almost every time they got together… Yet, right now, he felt like this was the right place to be. And weirdly, the right person to be with.

“King Thor calls your presence, Loki Lie-Smith,” FRIDAY, Stark’s A.I. – and oh, didn’t Loki have questions – spoke up.

“Lie-Smith?” Strange sounded amused.

“FRIDAY seems to be incapable of calling us without a title and I refuse to go by either Odinson or Laufeyson. She’s taken to calling me by other titles.”

“FRIDAY, would you mind telling me what those are?”

“Certainly, Doctor Strange. The Trickster, the Sly-One, the Shape-Changer, the Sky-Traveler, God of Lies, God of Mischief and Reindeer Games.”

“The last one was a present from Stark,” Loki said, rolling his eyes. He was quite happy with the other ones, so he’d let that one slide.

“You couldn’t just choose one?” Strange asked, starting to walk out of the room. Loki accompanied him.

“What would be the fun in that?” He smiled with his teeth, to which Strange snorted.

They were silent as they approached the big doors that led outside. Firstly, simply because there was nothing to say but as they got closer, it felt like speaking would be an offense.

The gardens around the Avengers’ compound was filled with people, all standing in silence. Even Stark was there and Thor had clearly made him a gift of clothes, along with his guests, Miss Potts, Mr. Rhodes, Doctor Banner and the Vision, whom Loki hadn’t had the pleasure of meeting yet.

Loki stopped at the sight of Thor.

“We are here tonight to pay respects to all those we lost in the Ragnarök. It is the people that make Asgard, not a place and we stand strong. Nonetheless, we should never forget those that have been lost. Tonight, we will drink and eat and dance and fight and live in their memory!” People cheered. “Before that, however, I would like a moment of silence. Loki, my brother, has a gift for us.”

Loki took a deep breath and slowly raised his arms. As they went up, thousands and thousands of balls of golden energy showed up, no bigger than a fist. He heard gasps and knew that it wasn’t because of the show.

He’d debated on what to do and had in the end decided on a very simple showing, but that took power from memories. The spell was being maintained through the grief of those around him.

By the time his arms were standing horizontally from him, there were thousands and thousands of energy balls around them.

The Asgardians were people of passion, but they weren’t known for showing their grief. Yet, people were openly crying. Because Loki was the bridge between their grief and the spell, it meant it was all going through him.

He closed his eyes and pushed it all out. His included.

Grief for his mother, who had loved him despite everything. Grief for his birth mother, whom he wondered about constantly. Grief for his father, who had tried. Grief for all the lost friends. Grief for the dead. Those he’d witnessed. Those he’d caused.

Loki forced himself not to gasp. Not to openly cry. He wouldn’t make a spectacle of himself.

He lowered his hands. The little balls started flying up. They’d go on and on until the grief wasn’t as strong, even if that took years.

Someone grabbed his hand and Loki turned to his brother. He smiled and Thor smiled back, not feeling ashamed in his tears.

“ _Thank you_ ,” Thor told him and Loki breathed out deeply. Odin had taught them words in a very old, dead language once upon a time. It had been a very long time since Loki had heard it.

“ _You’re welcome_ ,” Loki replied and squeezed his hand.

They stayed like that until the only light around them was coming from the compound.

.

Loud sounds from the feast below reached Loki’s eyes, but he just kept staring ahead, standing in one of the many balconies the compound had. Stark didn’t seem to appreciate closed spaces; Loki couldn’t say he disagreed.

He felt someone coming up behind him but didn’t move. Strange would either decide to join him or not. Loki wasn’t sure which one he’d prefer, truly.

Strange’s footsteps were loud as he walked towards Loki, stopping just a few feet in between them, leaning over the balcony slightly. It was probably the most slouched position Loki had ever seen him in.

“That was beautiful,” Strange offered in a low tone. Loki looked at him; from this position he was significantly taller.

“Thank you,” Loki responded. He still felt too raw, like at any moment he’d just… do something rash. Even he didn’t know what and honestly, it was scaring him.

“What was the spell? I’d never heard of it.”

Loki couldn’t help but to clench his fists at that. “You wouldn’t have. It’s an old Asgardian spell, not known by many by this point,” he stopped for a few seconds, debating whether to continue or not. In the end, for some unknow reason, Loki decided that he wanted to continue talking to Strange, to open himself up, “my mother taught me when I was young.”

“Oh?” Strange asked, looking at him, but Loki turned back to the stars, remembering those moments all those years before.

“I was angry all the time back then. At Thor, at Odin… Everyone, really. Well, except her, of course. If you’d met her, you would have known it was impossible to be angry at her. Whenever I was unkind to her, even for just a second, I’d feel guilty for days after.”

Loki paused, taking a moment to remember his mother as she had been. Beautiful, strong, loyal, smart, kind… Loki sometimes wished he’d spent more time as a youth trying to emulate her and not his father.

“She saw how I felt so she told me about this spell. You concentrated on your feelings, whatever they were, and then you pushed them. Mind you, they didn’t actually disappear, it was more like they were… mirrored. Just so you were sure that they were real.”

Strange didn’t say anything for some seconds. “Why did you stop?”

Loki turned to him, finding Strange’s eyes already on him. “It got to the point where the worst balls, the one with the hatred and anger and disappointment and all those feelings just kept getting bigger and bigger and the good ones… There just weren’t enough of them. In the end, I decided that I was better off not having a physical manifestation of them.”

Strange moved up, and now their height difference wasn’t as big. He stepped closer to Loki too, who just stared back. Strange did that thing where he looked in Loki’s eyes and searched for something and then slowly, brought a hand up, putting it against Loki’s cheek, who sighed and couldn’t help but lean in just slight.

Strange’s next move was just as slow, letting Loki knew what was coming, who made no move to step back.

Their lips touched and Loki sighed again. It had been a very long time since he’d kissed someone.

It felt almost like a familial kiss, for it was so soft. They barely moved, just let their lips touch. Loki didn’t remember the last time someone had touched him so gently.

_Your mother, surely._

Loki leaned back. “You don’t like me,” he said in an almost whisper against Strange’s lips. They were so close he had to make an effort to look into his eyes.

“I shouldn’t like you,” Strange countered and maybe it was supposed to have sound funny, but it just sounded flat.

This time, Loki took a step back. “I may have my issues, but I don’t like my partners to feel guilty for being with me.”

“That’s not… that’s not what I meant,” Strange said, sounding irked.

Loki raised an eyebrow, “then what did you mean?”

He was trying to sound like he didn’t care either way even though he felt too exposed, too open. Like maybe all those times Strange had scrutinized him, he’d actually found something and now there was nowhere to run.

Loki appreciated truth, but not his and certainly not seen by other people.

“I just… You infuriate me.”

“I bring that out in most people,” Loki replied, still with that tone.

“Stop doing that! Stop acting like you don’t care when we both know you do.”

“Oh,” Loki took a step forwards, “you think you know how I feel?”

“You’re going to tell me that what you did outside was all an act? That what you just told me about your mother was fake?”

“So, you think because I told you some sob stories that I’m… what, redeemed?” Loki looked menacingly at Strange.

“Yes, how dare I think that maybe, just maybe, you finally figured out that hello, killing people is the wrong thing to do and feel bad about it!”

Loki scoffed, “you people… you always try to make it about me but the truth is, you don’t like that you like me because I am a monster and I do not hide from it, I do not pretend otherwise… I do not care!” He finished in almost a snarl, all up in Strange’s space.

Strange clenched his jaw and fists.

“I think you care. I think you care so much that if you really let yourself feel how much, you might just fall apart. And you’re afraid of it.”

“I am not afraid!” Was Loki’s immediate response.

“Yes, you are!” Strange yelled back and then took a deep breath and a step back. “We all are, Loki. Of so many things… It’s what being alive means. It’s what it’s supposed to mean.”

“I don’t want it!” Loki yelled but Strange just stared and Loki stumbled some steps back.

Down below, someone yelled, a cry of war, answered in kind by many.

Strange kept looking at him with… kindness. Not pity, but like he wanted to… comfort Loki.

And Loki… Loki disappeared on the spot, back to the ship.

He was gasping for breath, which just made him think of Strange and how Loki’s words had made him have a panic attack. How the tables had turned.

But Loki would not allow it to overcome it. He’d been a child the last time he’d had a full-on panic attack thought of course that was not the Aesir expression. Panic attacks weren’t physical so clearly, they couldn’t be that important.

So Loki had forced himself to stop, just as he did now, hugging himself, creating pressure on his body. It had been the way his mother had hugged him when it had happened. The first time she hadn’t touched him right away, but it had just gotten worse, so she’d slowly put her arms around him until she was almost squeezing the breath out of him, which turned out to be the best remedy.

Loki’s breaths started coming back at a regular pace, but his heart was still beating too fast, his brain still whirring at a high speed.

It wasn’t even Strange’s words that were affecting him so anymore… it was the fact that Loki had allowed himself to open up. Strange hadn’t taken advantage, certainly not, but he’d… he’d said and he’d… he’d tried to create some type of connection to Loki.

And Loki wanted it. He almost craved it.

Another gasp left his body but it wasn’t part of a panic attack anymore. No, instead, it was the beginning of the inflow of tears that left him.

Loki dropped to the floor and started crying, in a way he hadn’t done in many years. It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t quiet. He was lucky the ship was empty otherwise his screaming would have surely brought someone running.

To look for what he’d done this time, surely. Loki, the fallen, the ruinous, the breaker, the destructive, the killer… The monster.

Loki stayed kneeling and crying for a long time until he lost sense of time and finally just laid on the floor, exhausted.

He moved his hand to spell his room completely closed. The door wasn’t simply locked, no wall or window would be able to be broken down unless he allowed it.

Tomorrow he’d get up and deal with it all. Tonight, he would sleep.

.

Loki slept in bouts and not very long ones. The people in the ship had barely come back and gone to sleep when Loki transported himself away, to New York.

It was known all over Midgard as the city that never slept. The most populous city in the United States, with almost nine million. It made Asgard look like a village in comparison.

Although he was sure many would recognize him in his armor, dressed in a simple mundane suit, no one gave him a second look. Well, except those appreciative, but he just ignored them.

He walked for a long time, sure that Heimdall would send Thor after him, but his brother never showed up.

Loki had made the decision to not make himself invisible to the once guardsman, knowing that it would be a hard choice to explain to Thor.

He didn’t have anything to hide, anyhow. He used to hide because… at first it had been for fun. A test, to figure out his limitations, how far he could push himself before it was too much. Among other people Loki never burned out of energy, but alone… It was ridiculous the many times he’d told Thor and his friends that he was fine after being utterly trounced and how the second he was in his quarters, he’d barely fallen in his bed before he was out for the count for several good hours, completely dead to the world, in a restive sleep.

Not unlike Odin’s. It was by searching into it that Loki had learnt it, after all.

It had begun as fun and then Loki had kept doing it because why wouldn’t he? No one seemed to care, either way.

Had no one really seen how hurt he’d been all those times he’d hid himself away? Was he truly such a great actor?

Loki looked up at the sky, trying to keep the anger at bay.

That wasn’t why he’d come to the city.

He walked to the center, slowing down as the stone mural came in view.

_Never forget._

Beneath it was the date Loki had opened the portal to let the Chitauri enter this world and massacre its people.

Loki had never enjoyed violence for its sake. He was a fighter; had trained to be one of the best and proudly showed it off. But he had always thought true power was in words, in his magic. Violence was for brutes like Thor. He was above it.

Or so he had thought.

Loki stayed staring at the mural for a very long time. The stars were out when someone approached. He had to admit he was surprised to see Stark stand by his side.

“I’m not sure what to say,” Stark uttered after some moments of silence.

“Perhaps, for the first time in your life, you could just say nothing.”

A moment’s pause. “Nah, that doesn’t sound like me.”

Loki rolled his eyes but refused to turn to him.

“If Cap was here, he’d probably give you a speech about all the bad you’ve done,” the pain in Stark’s voice as he mentioned his former teammate didn’t escape Loki’s notion, who just hummed in reply. “And I’d agree with him in the most parts, I think. But…” he turned fully to Loki. “I think you’re trying to do better.”

“Oh, do tell,” Loki said, doing him the favor of copying him and turning to him.

Stark sent him an unimpressed look. “We both know there’s nothing stopping you from just attacking us again. Well, besides the lack of army, but you seem like a resourceful guy.”

Loki raised an eyebrow.

“That wasn’t a compliment. Well, maybe a bit. Just not in what you’ve been using your resourcefulness for.”

“You’re right; Captain America’s speech would have been better. Holier-than-thou doesn’t suit you.”

Stark shrugged, “wasn’t trying for that. Look, I still don’t get why you gave up the Tesseract so easily and I probably never will. I don’t mind; sure, I’m a curious person but contrary to popular belief, I’m capable of letting go. By the way, have you seen “Frozen”? If you haven’t, you really should. I think you’ll quite like it.”

Loki just stared silently until Stark moved on.

“Okay, you’re not interested. Right, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and just say… I think you can do good. This,” he pointed at the mural, “doesn’t have to be all you achieve.”

“Is this the talk you give to all potential Avengers?” Loki asked with a raised brow, though he didn’t sound as disinterred as he wanted to.

“Hey, don’t knock it ‘till you try it,” Stark frowned, “look, just don’t break the big guy’s heart, okay? And hell, do it for you too. Be something else. I assure it’s a lot more fun on this side.”

“I think you mean paperwork.”

Stark shrugged, “that’s why I have assistants and a legal team that cost an arm and a leg. I just blow things up.”

“We both know that’s not true,” Loki said and saw Stark’s eyes darken. Still, Loki didn’t actually want to antagonize him, so he moved past that, “I appreciate your words. I’ll think on them.”

“Great. And hey… there’s other people who care about you too,” Stark winked, turned half a circle and left.

Loki scrunched his nose as he thought on that.

.

It was a late morning for those still staying in the ship. By the time Loki heard the first people arising, he’d been awake for many hours, thinking about what he would do next.

He was sitting on the floor, with his back against a window. The glass reminded him of the last time he’d been in a similar position; trapped in a cage. This time it might not be physical but it was a cage nonetheless. Unfortunately, it was of his own making.

Loki thought of just leaving. Going to another world. Maybe back to Sakaar where it would be easy to become the next Grandmaster. If not that one, then there were thousands of planets where Loki would prosper.

He even thought of Jotunheim. But that was a death trip waiting to happen and Loki quite valued his life.

Of course, he could just act like nothing had happened and move on. Ignore Strange, help get the Stones, help defeat Thanos (the less thought given to the other possibilities, the best) and then… Be free and do whatever the hell he wanted. Unfortunately, the more he thought about it the least he liked it.

Not even bringing to the fore that Loki did not hide, there was the simple fact that he seemed to have grown attached to Strange. Not to an extent that he was compromised, of course, but… in a way that Loki hadn’t felt for someone in a very long, long time.

It excited him, if he was honest. There were so many possibilities to what could happen next and there was nothing Loki liked more than that. Unfortunately, not all possibilities were good. Though unlikely, this could all be some sort of twisted game the Avengers had put together. Make him fall for someone and then break his heart. Maybe it was just Strange, trying to get his trust to then kill him.

As he said, unlikely, but still a possibility and Loki wasn’t sure he was ready to give himself a chance to something without being fully certain of the outcome.

The knock at his door around lunchtime was expected.

“Enter,” Loki called after he’d gotten up and was standing with his arms crossed.

Thor entered more carefully than he did most things, walking slowly, like he wasn’t sure in what mood he’d find Loki.

Loki raised an eyebrow, though he couldn’t help to squeeze his hands on his arms for a moment, already imagining all the hundreds of reasons that could have led Thor to his room.

“You disappeared last night,” Thor said with a frown. “I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

Ah, so he didn’t know anything. Good, good.

“I’m fine, Thor,” Loki said and Thor nodded.

He didn’t move for a second and then nodded again and said, “good” and turned as if to walk out which made Loki go, “wait.”

Thor turned around but Loki didn’t speak right away. He should have just let him leave. Yet... Once upon a time they used to talk about everything. The people they were interested in, their parents, their responsibilities… their fears.

“Why did you and Jane Foster really break up?”

Thor frowned and Loki could see him debating on whether to tell Loki or not. Good to know that he wasn’t the only one with trust issues.

“The long-distance relationship was not working for her. I was away for too long and I did not keep in touch.”

“Humans have a very short lifespan.”

“Yes, but I don’t think that was all… As passionate as we are in battle, in romance we are not.” Thor paused, either to think through his words or to decide how much to share was anyone’s guess. Maybe a bit of both. “We let things run their course. Once you find someone, you… find someone. You don’t make that much of an effort anymore because you know you are together. It’s not like that for humans. No effort means no love.”

It was Loki’s time to frown, “and she didn’t understand you two were different?”

“Of course, she understood, but it doesn’t mean she didn’t want to be treated better. It was my choice whether to do it or not.”

Loki’s frown didn’t disappear even as he thanked Thor.

Thor nodded but didn’t leave the room. “I always thought father was going to have to arrange a marriage for you. You never seemed interested in anyone.”

“Is this your way of telling me you’re planning a marriage for me? Because I believe my chances have decreased exponentially over the last few years,” Loki said in a dry tone, while his heart started beating louder.

Thor rolled his eyes, “that’s not my point and you know it. Though you never know; some people seem to prefer a bad boy.”

Loki frowned; he could have lived his whole life without hearing Thor say “bad boy”, especially when in relation to him.

“Have you… grown interested in someone, brother?”

Loki chose to deflect once more, “I have been interested in people before, Thor. Just because you were too busy to notice…”

“I think we both know you’re more than capable of keeping a secret.”

Loki frowned. It hadn’t always been meant to be a secret. He’d just been a very private person and then there was of course the fact that as a prince once he became romantically entangled with someone he would probably have to marry them. Loki had never really imagined himself spending centuries by the side of the same person. Truth be told, he’d just never thought he’d find someone captivating enough to want to.

“Loki,” Thor said in that threatening/exasperated tone that Loki knew from childhood.

He debated what to tell. Thor wouldn’t use the information against him… probably. But he would more likely than not want to meddle. The last thing he needed was Thor’s involvement in what was increasingly becoming a complicated matter.

On the other hand, it wasn’t like Loki had anyone else to talk to and at this time, it did look like talking to someone might be a good thing.

“I have not met someone worth pursuing in a very long time,” was what Loki finally settled on.

“But you think Stephen Strange is worth it?” Loki looked surprised at Thor, who rolled his eyes, “give me more credit. I can count on one hand the people that you’re currently on speaking terms with and the only other option I see is Tony Stark, who is very much in love with his fiancée.”

Loki made a face; yes, those two were disgustingly in love.

“So, what’s the problem?” Thor asked, going and sitting down at the sofa. He smiled openly at Loki in invitation, who, with a roll of his eyes, decided to join him. He was feeling charitable.

Loki looked down at his hands, biting off the first three replies that came to mind since they were all a deflection of the issue. If Thor was willing to help, might as well use his ear. Always good to know what not to do, in any case.

Unfortunately, no honest words came to mind. Well, they did but Loki just wasn’t capable of opening his mouth and putting them out there. It had been a very, very long time since Loki had put himself out there. It turned out hiding behind masks and smirks and schemes was a hard habit to break.

“If it’s any help, I think he’s interest back,” Thor said in a soft tone and Loki couldn’t help but snort.

“I am aware of that.”

“Then what’s the issue?” Thor asked and he sounded shamelessly interested and patient. Loki didn’t know how to deal with it.

Loki jumped up and turned on Thor, “you told me in the lift that our paths had diverged long ago. Why are you still trying so hard?”

Thor moved as if to get up but clenched his jaw and just leaned back, controlling his anger. “For the same reason you’re still here, I imagine. Because for better or worse, we’re brothers.”

“Adopted,” Loki corrected.

“Oh, come off it,” Thor said, finally getting up. “Does it matter whether we’re blood related or not?” Thor grabbed Loki’s shoulders and squeezed, “we’ve been brothers for centuries; nothing will ever change that.”

Loki was still tense, “then what about what you said in the lift?”

“Love isn’t the same as support. My love for you will never go away but I could not watch as you went down that path.”

“Could? Went?” Loki asked and hated himself when his voice broke.

Thor smiled, “I’ve seen you change over the past few weeks. Perhaps it is all a trick but… You came back for Asgard and despite everything you say, you have never mortally wounded me and you have always come in my defense.” He shrugged and let go of Loki, “I guess I can’t help but want to give you another chance.”

Loki looked away. He looked at the window for some seconds before he breathed out and relaxed, like he was letting go of a weight on his shoulders. A very heavy, very old weight.

“Thank you,” he turned back to Thor, “for all the chances you’ve given me. I realize I… have not always deserved them, but thank you.”

“And thank you for sticking with me all those years even when you thought I was in the wrong.”

“Knew you were in the wrong,” Loki couldn’t help but quip and Thor laughed.

“Of course.”

Loki smiled at him, feeling lighter than he had in a long time. Then he thought of something.

“I will deal with Strange later. First… there are things to be done.”

Thor frowned, immediately turning serious. Loki grimaced; he wasn’t going to enjoy what came next but it was necessary.

.

Thor was unsure that this was the right move but once Loki made up his mind, that was it. Which is how he ended up slowly walking towards the stage in a German conference room, with questions and accusations being yelled at him.

A spokesperson for the government nodded at him as he stood at the stage, behind a wooden podium.

Loki had to stop himself from coughing or showing any type of nervousness, instead leaning slightly forward to the microphone.

“My name is Loki, son of Odin and Frigga, and eight years ago I attacked this city,” people quieted down as he started speaking, thought their looks of hatred went nowhere. “I am deeply, deeply sorry for my actions. I understand that that is not enough to make up for what I did… for the memories I brought back… that there is nothing I can do to excuse it.” Loki paused. He’d been practicing this speech for two days but now that the time was here, nothing else came to mind.

Really, what else could he say?

“How are we supposed to be okay with you just walking free?” Someone asked and others yelled their support.

“You are not,” Loki answered simply. “I understand that you can never be okay with that and I do not ask you otherwise.”

“Then why are you here?” Someone else yelled and Loki took a deep breath.

“I realize now that what I did all those years ago has no excuse and I wish to apologize to everyone.”

“Why should we believe you?” Someone asked but to Loki’s surprise he could see most people staring at him with attentiveness, though of course some of them still looked a breath away from jumping at him and trying to claw his throat out.

Loki debated how to answer. He’d figured it would be a question that day but he still hadn’t figured out what the best reply was; the honest one, anyhow.

“There is no way to prove that I am here of my own accord speaking the truth. I will simply have to prove myself and I am ready to do so.”

“So that’s it? Everyone else goes to prison and you get a free pass?” The angry mutters were back.

“I was imprisoned in Asgard at the time of my… actions on Earth but unforeseen circumstances made it impossible for me to carry out the sentence,” such as him pretending to be the All Father. Everyone had agreed that that was information best left undisturbed. He took a deep breath, “I understand why you want to see me behind bars. However, I believe that I can be of greater help outside and I am ready to prove that.”

“No further questions, thank you,” the woman standing next to him said and put a hand on his shoulder, removing it the second Loki turned to her and starting to walk away. Loki took that as his cue to follow her.

People were still yelling as he left, but Loki could hear the different sentiments behind them.

If people in Germany were taking his apology this well, he could barely imagine how Americans would take it…

Loki sighed as he climbed a nondescript car, which would take him to the hotel he would be spending the night until he got on a plane the next day. Now that most people on Earth were aware that he was back, no one wanted him out of their sight.

He didn’t really blame them.

This had been Loki’s decision, after all. Loki had been through a difficult moment at the time and had decided to take it out on others, blaming everyone else but himself for his actions. If he was supposed to move forward, an apology for all those he’d hurt and killed was the least he could do.

The car stopped at the back of the hotel and the driver let him out, glaring at him the whole way. Loki did his best to ignore it as a different man in a suit – and certainly carrying a gun – led him to the elevator and then to the room.

“Please don’t leave the bedroom until tomorrow morning, Mr. Loki,” the man said and Loki nodded, entering and closing the door.

He leaned against it and sighed.

“Well, that was quite unexpected,” Strange said and Loki stiffened.

Loki stared. Strange smiled at him, more nervous than Loki had ever seen him before. The cloak was also moving around him more than usual. It really was a tremendous item; one day Loki would try and speak to it. But right now, there were other issues at hand.

Strange looked sideways. It wasn’t that Loki wanted to make him uncomfortable; he just couldn’t choose where to start.

Strange turned back to Loki, staring him in the eyes, “I am sorry for how our last conversation went.”

Loki shrugged and he could tell it was getting on Strange’s nerves, but he couldn’t stop. Loki had just exposed so much of himself to the whole bloody planet and right now he couldn’t do it to just one person.

“And I’m sorry if I made you… uncomfortable.”

“Uncom-?” Loki frowned, genuinely surprised.

“Yes, for… making a move on you when it was unwanted.”

Loki could agree with him. He could tell Strange that he didn’t want anything from him and that they should just go back to being on barely civil matters. Except it would be a complete and utter lie.

“It was not unwanted,” he said and it was Strange’s turn to look surprised.

“You did not react well.”

“It wasn’t the kiss. It was…”

“My words,” Strange nodded, as if to himself. Then he sighed and went to sit at the sofa. Loki debated for a few moments, but decided to join him.

Strange turned to Loki, with a leg on the sofa. “I’ve thought a lot of what you said, of how I wanted you to be a certain way to make myself feel better and I… I think you were right. I’m sorry for putting that on you.”

Loki copied his move and turned his attention to Strange though he went one step ahead and moved his whole body in that direction, sitting on the sofa with his legs crossed.

There was so much he could say, he didn’t know which words to choose. Loki had always thought speech was the greatest weapon in the world because you could never know where it would lead. Stab someone and they either died or didn’t. Say one simple word… and the possibilities were infinite of what would happen next.

So, Loki decided to forego all words and slowly leaned in, giving more than enough time for Strange to move away. The good doctor just stood there, with his intense look on Loki, who couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this nervous… this vulnerable.

Their second kiss was different from the first. Strange sighed against his lips, moving them strongly against Loki’s. If the first kiss had been a question, this one was an answer.

Loki put his right hand on the sofa to balance himself so that he wouldn’t fall on top of Strange, as he moved the other to his cheek, feeling the beard against it.

Strange did the same to Loki, resting one hand against his cheek while the other went to his hair, petting him.

They kissed until they were running out of air and even then, Loki only let go enough to peck him twice before fully leaning back.

He smiled, “it wasn’t unwanted,” he repeated.

There were still matters to discuss, such as the fact that Strange had lied to him about there being a time bomb in his body if Loki betrayed him (oh yes, Loki knew pretend magic when he saw it). Yet, as Strange smiled back at him, he decided that could wait another day.

 


End file.
